This is Part 4 of a blog series that addresses healing your relationship with food, yourself, and others (I’m recording this as a podcast series as well, and what follows is a transcript of the episode). In Part 1 and Part 2, I talked about how binge eating and restrictive food behaviors can create a lot of disconnection in relationships—not just with others but with yourself as well—and can really interfere with your ability to care for yourself. I helped you explore how disordered eating may be intertwined with your own relationships, and I also talked about why it’s essential to separate your ability to avoid binge eating from how well or how poorly your relationships are going—because bingeing is never the solution to relationship problems.

In Part 3 of this series, I helped you explore how stopping bingeing, or even just making some progress in recovery, can create space in your life to address some of these relationship issues. I helped you see ways that you could start to reconnect with yourself and with the people around you. I shared some ways that you could start to build skills around repairing relationships and repairing your own self-worth.

Today in Part 4, I’ll be answering your questions about this topic. I invited my email subscribers to share their relationship-related concerns, and I received a big response. I’m so grateful to all of you who reached out with your honest and thoughtful questions. This blog post will be the first section of the Q&A, and then I’ll finish addressing the questions in the next post, which will be Part 5. Between these two Q&A blog posts, I’ll address nearly every question that I was sent, but I also group some questions together if they were very similar. Everything I share here will remain completely anonymous, I don’t give any identifying details. I’ll use only the first initial of the person who sent me the question, and as I give my answer, I’ll use the gender-specific language based on the actual person who sent me the question. It just so happened that for this batch of questions, partner relationships that were mentioned were only opposite gender couples, but I just want you to know that this advice can apply regardless of you or your partner’s gender or sexual orientation.

(If you want to be a part of any future Q&A episodes on various topics, I do encourage you to join my email list, and you can do that by signing up to get my Free Brain over Binge Inspiration Booklet. The Inspiration Booklet is a great way to get some motivation every day and also to reinforce what you’re learning by reading the blog or listening to the podcast).

Question 1: Hiding binge eating in a marriage or relationship

J shared the pain of lying about food and feeling like one more secret binge might ruin his long-term marriage. This situation really highlights how bingeing often continues even when the stakes feel extremely high. It’s not because you don’t love your partner (or whoever your behaviors are hurting), it’s because in the moment, the lower brain is not operating on your logic or on your true values—and it’s not even really thinking about love or connection.

The lower brain—when it’s encouraging you to binge—is operating in a very primal way. It’s urging you to perform a habit that it senses that you need, and in that moment, it makes you feel like you need it even more than you need the person that you love the most. J, you’re not alone here. I’ve definitely had the experience of getting so upset with myself because it seemed like even the things I loved the most didn’t stop me from performing this terrible habit. When we think about the higher brain and the lower brain and their different motivations and goals, it helps explain this and helps it to make sense.

So J, at the time when you’re wanting to binge, it’s important that you know that feeling like you don’t care about the consequences or about the person you love—this does not actually mean you don’t care. From your email, I know how much you care about your marriage and about your wife, and I hope that understanding the higher brain and the lower brain—in relation to habits and addictions—will help you forgive yourself for what can seem like you choosing food over your marriage. This is not really what you’re doing, but I know it can feel that way.

This understanding is something that you could possibly have a sensitive conversation with your wife about, so that she has a little more insight into what you’re going through, and hopefully she can see that your actions with food don’t have anything to do with your love for her. This is not to create any sort of justification for your behavior—because the goal is not just to understand your behavior and help others close to you understand it; the goal is to overcome it as well and stop letting it affect your life and your relationship. But sometimes this can take some time and practice, and it sounds like in your situation, it would be helpful not to always have to feel like you need to keep secrets.

Another thing that could be extremely helpful in your relationship, which you may already be doing, is to work on your own understanding of what she may be going through—in terms of acknowledging her pain surrounding this issue. As much as you can explain and try to help her understand that bingeing has nothing to do with your feelings for her, it’s really hard for someone in her situation to fully understand that—especially if they have never struggled with an addiction. The more you can try to empathize with her, the better. Also, if this feels doable, you can keep her informed about what you’re doing to heal and to solve the issue so that it is no longer creating problems in your relationship and causing her unintended pain. Sometimes this reassurance as far as what you’re doing in recovery is very helpful to a partner. It’s really a matter of trying to create as much mutual understanding as possible, with you each trying to better understand each other’s experiences, and it’s also about you continuing to take steps toward recovery.

I also want to give another perspective on this situation, and this one is tough to talk about, but it’s something that a lot of binge eaters or people with habits and addictions have to face. It’s important to understand that everyone does have a right to decide what they want to deal with in relationships. For example (and I talked about this in my book), my boyfriend—who became my husband during the time that I struggled with bingeing—would get very offended and hurt when I canceled plans with him or emotionally checked out due to the eating disorder. He had every right to decide that he didn’t want to be with someone who would frequently cancel plans or who would emotionally check out—even though I tried to explain that it was not about him— and I wouldn’t have blamed him if he decided that’s not what he wanted. In relationships, we truly have to give people the autonomy to decide what’s right for them, and that’s also part of loving someone.

If someone is not willing to walk that journey with you and decides to walk away, that does not mean that you’re unlovable. That does not mean you’re broken in relationships or that you won’t heal or find love again. I don’t want to dwell on this too much because I hope it’s not the case that anyone who’s listening has a relationship that ends because of this (if that relationship is desired). But I also don’t want anyone to see this as the end of the world if a relationship does end. People who struggle with addictions can and do lose people along the way, and they can still overcome the addiction, and they can still rise above the struggle, and they can still find other people to connect with.

I know the example I’m about to give is very different from talking about a long-term marriage, but in my own experience, there was a man in my life before my husband (who is now my ex-husband) who I loved very much and lost primarily due to the issues that the eating disorder caused. So speaking from that experience and also speaking as someone who’s now been through a divorce as well, I do know that it’s possible to rebuild your life after an eating disorder and after divorce as well. I just wanted to mention that possibility instead of glossing over it, because I really sense the fear in your email that your relationship may end. While I would love to say that everything is going to be fine in your marriage, and once you create that understanding, there’ll be no more issues—there’s no guarantee of that because you can only control what you can control, and that is your side of the street. You ultimately can’t control what she’s going to choose, but I want you to know that you can absolutely recover either way. So do your best to build that connection and create that understanding while also acknowledging and honoring that you and your wife have to decide what’s best for you—not only as a couple but as individuals as well.

Question 2: Family and romantic relationship overvaluing appearance

T described decades of dealing with her husband and family’s fixation on weight and appearance, and she talked about how this affects her eating in a negative way. She described her husband making comments about her appearance over the years and that leading her to wanting to lose weight out of spite, or on the other hand, to eat whatever she wanted to rebel. She also described not wanting to wear certain clothing around her parents because of their tendency to make weight comments.

I know so many of you reading can relate, and I think it’s really important for anyone who can relate to just take a deep breath and have compassion for yourself for having to deal with this. It’s not your fault. You did not ask for this, and it’s okay to wish the people closest to you were different. However, it’s also vital to realize that you can’t wait for others to change in order to do what’s best for you and your health and wellbeing. It absolutely can be important to talk about boundaries and what you might say or do to try to get others to treat you with more respect—or maybe even avoid certain people if possible. But more importantly for recovery itself is to fully acknowledge that you absolutely can avoid binges regardless of the comments or opinions of others, and you absolutely can eat adequately regardless of the comments or opinions of others.

There are two recovery goals of the Brain over Binge approach—to dismiss the urges to binge and to eat adequately—and it’s so empowering to realize that even if others are acting in a way that you wish they wouldn’t, you can keep pursuing those two goals. This is not you accepting poor behavior from others, this is you taking responsibility for your own healing—no matter what—and not letting others throw you off track. Of course it’s not ideal for others to be making these type of comments, but I want you to see that someone could say a terribly mean thing to you regarding your weight—and you can still dismiss the urge to binge. Someone can say something that makes you feel like your appearance determines your worth—and you can still avoid restriction and eat adequately.

Now, those two recovery goals may feel more challenging when it seems like everyone else is against you, but even so, it’s very helpful to understand that trying to make others approve of you or trying to change other people’s behavior—that’s just not a primary goal of binge eating recovery because it puts the power in someone else’s hands. You can acknowledge that these comments make it more challenging for you, you can acknowledge that that connection with relationships is there—without thinking that other people’s comments represent an inevitable force.

Actually, knowing that you have this connection can help you in recovery because when you know your patterns, and you know your triggers, it helps you be prepared for them. If you know that comments from others tend to give you urges to binge or urges to restrict, you can go into those situations with increased awareness and a plan—or alternately, you can decide to avoid some people (if possible) because that simply makes things easier for you. Something that I think is really important to realize is that you’ll never make everyone happy with your food choices or your weight. It’s like that with so many things in life; it just seems like someone is always going to be disappointed in you regardless of what you choose, or how you look, or how much you weigh. That’s why it’s just so much healthier and more peaceful just to do what you feel is best for you—without trying to please others or jump through hoops to try to avoid their negative comments.

As far as what’s actually best for you, that may be something that’s challenging for you right now to even try to determine, especially if you’ve spent so long eating in response to other people’s expectations or opinions. But a good starting point in determining what’s best for you is—to remind yourself that you absolutely know for sure that binge eating and harmful restrictive practices are not what is best for you. Then you can start to ask yourself curious questions such as: If I only had me to consider, how would I want to be eating every day? How would I want to nourish my body if no one had an opinion? How would I want to exercise if no one ever made a comment? Then start practicing eating and exercising in that way that makes you feel good—and accept that you might receive some comments from others in your life. These comments are much easier to manage once you feel like you’re in your own integrity and doing what’s best for you.

If other people make comments or try to pressure you, you can practice some simple responses to let them know that you’re on your own path. You can say something as simple as: I’m learning to nourish and care for my body in a way that works for me, and I’m starting to feel so much better. Even if you have a response like this planned, it still can be challenging to sit with the feeling of someone else being disappointed in you or disapproving of your body or your eating habits—especially if you’ve spent so much time in people pleasing mode. But the discomfort of someone else being disappointed is so much more bearable than the discomfort of harming yourself with bingeing or restricting.

And like I mentioned, you’re also allowed to create space away from people—even the ones you love the most—who make you feel unworthy. T, I understand this may be very challenging in what you said is a 30 year marriage, where the assumption would be that you’re living together and eating together often. But even if you can create a little bit of space or set some boundaries in certain moments, it can help you get in touch with what you need and what you want—without any negative influences. I’ll also say here that if any criticism becomes unbearable and you’ve clearly told your spouse or any other person that you’re doing what’s best and healthiest for you (by nourishing yourself and learning to eat in a way that works for you), then this is a huge signal that this person may not have your best interest at heart. If this is the case, you may need to seek more support in determining your next steps to remove yourself from certain relationships that don’t support your health and wellbeing.

Question 3: Navigating recovery privately

K shared that her marriage does not feel strong enough for open conversations about binge eating disorder, so she’s doing recovery on her own while raising young children. She feels sharing her struggle with her husband would make things more stressful and shameful. She’s in therapy and has chosen to share her eating disorder only with close friends. She’s wondering how to handle recovery in secret and also how to deal with the demands that the eating disorder and recovery places on her time while raising children.

First K, I want to say that if this feels best for you, and you think that managing recovery privately feels healthier than telling your husband, then this is absolutely a valid choice. This goes for anyone trying to recover. You don’t have to tell your spouse or anyone else in order to stop bingeing. You can own that choice about who to tell and who not to tell, and then move on to focusing on doing what you need to do to recover. One thing to be aware of when you decide that someone might not be supportive enough to share your struggle with is that the lower brain may actually use that to try to encourage bingeing. You may have some thoughts like: well, if my partner was more supportive and I could tell him, then I’d be able to stop bingeing. Or your thoughts may say: you don’t have anyone to support you right now, so you might as well binge. These types of thoughts can really keep you stuck. Not only are they untrue—because like you said, you have some supportive friends, and there are also so many online resources (like the Brain over Binge group for example), that can provide support in the moment—but these lower brain thoughts are those primal automatic messages that just serve to perpetuate the habit.

Realize that you’ve chosen not to tell your husband for reasons that make sense to you and then move on to learning to dismiss the urges and eat adequately—dismissing any justification your brain gives you for giving into the urge. Although getting support from whoever you want to share this with is helpful, know that recovery is ultimately a deeply personal thing—when it comes to facing the decision to binge or not binge in the moment, and only you can make that decision. When you know that and you own that, it frees you up to gather the support of the people who you do find supportive and that you trust, but then it allows you to shift the power back to yourself. You can focus on what you can control and focus on keeping your commitments to yourself.

As far as how to handle recovery privately, the good news is that—if you think of recovery in terms of those two basic goals that I talked about (dismissing the urges to binge and eating adequately)—there isn’t too much privacy that’s necessary. Yes, there may be things you’re doing like talking to your friends about the issue, or going to therapy, or maybe journaling that you do feel you want to keep from your husband, and that’s understandable. But when you think of the day-to-day absolute necessities in recovery of eating enough food and not bingeing—those are things that can be done completely out in the open. In reality, it’s really the bingeing that needs privacy to survive.

As far as your concern about the time you spend on the eating disorder interfering with or taking away time from your children, I completely understand your concern. This highlights what I’ve been talking about in this blog series about eating disorder interfering with even the most important relationships in your life. Know that you’re not alone in this, and I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job as a mom despite any time that the eating disorder is taking away. I promise that even without an eating disorder, I feel like I’m falling short nearly every day in the amount of time I’m able to devote to my kids, and I know so many parents feel the same—just with the demands that life places on them. Parenting is a really tough job and from your email, I know that you’re showing up every day and trying to do what’s best for them even with the issues that you’re struggling with, and that’s commendable.

My advice here would be to let this concern help serve as a motivation to do what you need to do to recover. You don’t need to beat yourself up for any time that you’ve lost with them, but going forward, every day that you don’t binge notice how much more time and energy you get back. Really celebrate that and really notice how you’re able to devote that time and energy to what’s important to you. This will encourage you to keep going, and it will help you start to see a future version of you who is not at all consumed by the eating disorder. This future version of you will not be parenting perfectly—because none of us do—but you’ll simply be parenting without this distraction and without this source of pain.

Question 4: Bingeing as a way to check out or self-sabotage

B described bingeing to punish herself or “check out” when she feels badly about herself, especially when she’s not meeting her body goals. This is a question about the relationship with yourself. When it comes to your relationship with yourself, the most empowering thing to know here at the outset is that you can feel any way you feel about yourself and still not binge. And I know I say this a lot, but you cannot always control how you feel about yourself, and it gives you so much freedom when you realize that your ability to avoid a binge does not have to depend on the thoughts that are in your own head about yourself. Your ability to avoid a binge also does not have to depend on the way you look or how you feel about yourself.

The solution to stopping bingeing is not to meet all of your body goals. The solution to stopping bingeing is not to be so perfect that you never feel like punishing yourself. The solution is not to have an inner and outer life so fulfilling that you never want to check out from it. You can want to check out and still not binge. You can hate yourself and still not binge. Are those ideal states to be in? Absolutely not. But not bingeing is always a more ideal state to be in than bingeing. We’re human, we’re not going to be perfect. Our bodies are not always going to look the way we want them to look. We aren’t always going to be fulfilled, or having fun, or feeling content within ourselves or within our relationships, and we can still say no to the urges to harm ourselves with bingeing or restricting.

When you fully realize that—that’s when you can really start to build a good relationship with yourself. You start to realize that you can trust yourself to take care of yourself even in your lowest moments, and that can bring you so much peace. Taking care of yourself does not mean pampering yourself, or massages, or those more flashy and sometimes unrealistic versions of self-care; but you can simply care of yourself by not hurting yourself—by not flipping into that “screw it” or “I don’t care” mindset that encourages harmful actions that you later regret. If you haven’t listened already, I encourage you to listen to Episode 181: You Do Care and You Do Deserve Recovery. In that episode, coach Julie and I talked about binge eating as self-punishment or not thinking you’re worthy of recovery based on how you feel about yourself.

While I’m talking about self-care, I want to say that—in the moment of urges—it may feel like some warped version of self-care to just give in to the urge and binge because in the moment, it does seem to reduce stress by turning off the urge. But when has that ever truly made you feel better, or made you feel better about yourself on the other side? I don’t want you feeling bad about yourself, but I also really want you to accept that there are people in this world that feel bad about themselves and don’t binge. Feeling bad about yourself does not cause bingeing. Feeling better about yourself does not cure bingeing. I can’t tell you how much this realization has helped me in my life because there have definitely been times in my life since recovery that I’ve felt simply awful about myself.

I had this faulty idea that the choice was either to binge or to do things to make myself feel better/make myself feel better about myself—by striving, or trying to reach goals, or working on myself, or even soothing myself in some way. I feel like this set bingeing up to seem like the preferable choice in the moments of an urge—because all of that other stuff seemed too hard and overwhelming in that moment. The idea of continuing to strive or continuing to try to be perfect—to try to make myself feel better about myself—felt way too exhausting and insurmountable while dealing with that desire to binge. And also, when you’re feeling driven toward an addiction, the object of the addiction is the only thing that truly feels like it will soothe you, because it’s the only thing that’s going to make those urges go away. Alternate soothing activities never felt appealing to me when I wanted to binge.

I really needed to give myself permission to just be in the moment—without having any expectations of myself, except to not binge. I didn’t need to strive. I didn’t need to self-soothe. I could just be with whatever was there and handle it in the best way I could—even if that didn’t look like self-improvement or self-soothing. You can give up on your other goals—in the moment or even altogether—and not binge. You can take a break from trying to be perfect without bingeing. You can avoid work that you really need to do without bingeing. You can rest, you can check out from the world, you can avoid people—all without bingeing. Please don’t make it a choice between being perfect or bingeing.

When you don’t live up to the expectations you have for yourself, you might not be happy with yourself for being unproductive sometimes, or giving up sometimes, or checking out sometimes; but you’ll be so happy that you did all of those things without harming yourself. When you give yourself that permission not to be perfect without bingeing, you start to build a better relationship with yourself.

Question 5: Triggers from emotional conversations and unresolved trauma

A shared a problem with being triggered by difficult conversations with others, which leads into binge eating and also stopping her healthy behaviors. She gave an example of a painful talk with her brother about family trauma and this conversation led to months of bingeing and losing touch with her running routine.

A, I am very sorry that you’re dealing with these issues, and I know how hard it can be. I want to address this from a relationship standpoint, but I also want to give you some things in regard to the emotional aspect. As everyone knows who is familiar with my books, blog or podcast, I do not believe it’s necessary to resolve all of your emotional pain in order to stop bingeing. But when you do have that strong emotional connection there, it’s important to take a look at it and understand your own patterns.

I did several episodes on this emotional connection, and I’m going to link them here: Episode 39: Emotional Attachment to Bingeing,  Episode 134: Recovery in Emotionally Challenging Times, and Episode 151: Emotional Not Eating. I hope that those episodes will help you and guide you in relation to the more emotional aspect of this question.

About the relational aspect of this, some of the same advice that I gave to T earlier—about still being able to stay on track with your recovery regardless of others’ comments or opinions—that advice applies here as well. But the comments and opinions in T’s question were in regard to appearance, weight, and food. The difference in this question is that the comments you’re talking about are in relation to deeply emotional things. However, just like with the weight comments, sometimes we can’t control what others will say and we don’t want to feel powerless in those situations. We need to learn to stay true to what’s best for us regardless of what other people are doing.

Just knowing that certain conversations can trigger your urges is very helpful. This is a first step toward choosing a different path in those situations. A brain that is hooked on bingeing perceives bingeing as a form of pleasure and will often encourage you to seek that pleasure more in times of pain than in times of happiness (although people can and do have binge urges and binge in good times and during positive experiences as well). If it helps you, you can acknowledge that in the past, you may have felt like you had no other option in these traumatic situations and following the urges became well-ingrained. But also acknowledge that bingeing is not serving you in the present and any pleasure or distraction it provides is absolutely no longer worth it to you. Plus, binge eating has never truly helped you solve these family issues.

When you’re aware, and you know that talking about the trauma or having difficult conversations will trigger the urges, you can be better prepared and implement everything you know about dismissing urges in those situations. Something to motivate you is to think about the fact that when you dismiss the urges in these difficult situations, you’re actually giving yourself a chance to learn to actually do things that will truly help you and truly help you heal. Binge eating is not helping you heal—it’s hurting you, and acting on the urges is getting in the way of your healing. Also know that if you find it really hard to separate from the urges in these moments, it’s okay to protect yourself as much as possible—especially early in recovery, until you gain some confidence as much as possible. You can avoid putting yourself in situations that difficult conversations are going to come up. You’re not obligated to process painful family dynamics just because someone else wants to.

You can protect your peace, and that doesn’t mean you have to pretend the trauma never happened; but it may help you to recognize that there may only be certain times and spaces that you are able to talk about it. Trauma-informed therapy can be a big help in allowing you to determine when, where, and how you can process that trauma safely. If there are times when you know that the conversation can’t be avoided, you can do some visualization practice to see yourself being successful. You can see yourself having this difficult conversation then experiencing urges (because of the habit) and then dismissing them—and using whatever coping tools you have for dealing with that trauma. And again, therapy can be a great resource for that. When you visualize yourself being successful in those situations, it can give you more confidence for when it happens in real life—because you’ve already seen yourself successfully navigate it, so it feels less intimidating.

One thing to keep in mind is the importance of proper nourishment in these type of emotionally-charged situations. If there’s any restriction going on, it’s going to make the connection between trauma and bingeing so much worse. If the body and brain are deprived and there’s an emotional trigger which results in those automatic urges to eat, and you follow some of those urges to eat in sort of an emotional way—the lower brain can see this as an opportunity to get as much food as possible, and then bingeing results. Basically, making sure that you’re avoiding restriction can help any emotional eating that you may find yourself engaging in so much less harmful and so much less likely to lead to binge eating. There’s a lot of talk about the connection of emotions to bingeing, but a lot of the time what can happen is there is restriction going on, and then there’s some emotion that leads to an initial urge to go off of that restrictive diet and indulge with some comfort eating. But with a deprived body and brain, this comfort eating quickly results in a completely out of control binge.

It’s so helpful and necessary to take restriction completely out of the equation. When you know that you’re nourished well, then you know any urges that arise due to this habitual link between trauma and bingeing are from habit, and you put yourself in a great position to dismiss those urges. And even if you find yourself engaging in some comfort eating or distracted emotional eating, you can consciously choose a stopping point and never let it turn into a binge.

Question 6: Boundaries around triggering environments, trips and events

C described a cruise with her father where constant food and social pressure led to severe bingeing and health issues and she’s now anxious about an upcoming cruise. So the first thing I want to say, C, is that fear of bingeing is very understandable. I know that it’s not comfortable, but you can also see this fear as a sign that you do not want to repeat the same experience, and that’s powerful. If you’re scared of something happening, it shows that that something—which in this case is bingeing—is not something that you truly desire in your life. Otherwise you would not be afraid of it.

I know it can be tempting to ruminate in that fear, but I want to challenge you to look at that fear and ask yourself how you can avoid that same thing happening again. You want to use that fearful energy—not to make yourself miserable—but to plan ahead and focus on preventing the thing you’re afraid of (a binge) from happening. Just because you binged on a cruise one time does not mean you have to do it again. You can definitely do things differently. I’m going to focus solely on a cruise situation, but you can use this advice for any trip that you have planned.

I’ve never been on a cruise, but my understanding is that there’s nearly constant access to food if you want it. There could also be drinking, which could exacerbate your desires if you’re someone who binges more often when drinking. Now, as you know, recovery comes down to those two goals of eating adequately and dismissing urges to binge, so planning for any trip that you’re taking involves asking yourself: how do I plan to eat adequately during this trip? and how do I plan to dismiss urges to binge? I did a podcast episode specifically about vacations and travel (Episode 46: Q&A: How Do I Stay Binge-Free on Vacation or on a Holiday?). That episode will help you with more of the planning, but since this episode is about relationships, I’m going to focus more specifically on that in answering your question.

If you’re traveling with others, there could be pressure to eat when they eat or eat foods that they eat—even if those foods don’t work for you. There’s also the social setting to consider where you might constantly be seeing other people eating, and it could be tempting to want to try everything. Something that could relate here was a podcast that I did on the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, and I think that could be something to utilize here: Episode 168: My Take: Using Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” Theory to Help You Stop Binge Eating and Break Other Harmful Habits. The way the Let Them Theory relates is that it can help you understand that your cruise experience is about focusing on what is best for you, and then letting others do what is best for them without the comparison.

You may need to communicate your needs to the person that you’re traveling with, as far as setting some expectations about when you may need to eat, or what you may need to eat, or what you may need to avoid. Like I said in an earlier answer, if anyone pushes back or criticizes you for doing what’s right for you—that you’re clearly saying is your healthiest path—then you really should reevaluate whether this is someone you can travel with or be in a relationship with if they don’t have your best interest at heart.

Another aspect of viewing this from a relationship standpoint is that the socialization could be a great opportunity to focus on things other than food. So as you plan your trip, yes, consider how you’re going to nourish yourself and support yourself in recovery, but also plan for all of the other things you want to do and all of the other people you want to enjoy this trip with. Try to get excited about spending time with people you care about, or meeting new people, or having new experiences. Eating is absolutely a part of those plans and it’s a part of socialization sometimes, and it’s great to be excited about your food. It’s great to look forward to eating. It’s great to allow food, but it’s not the whole picture on a trip. The more you can learn to just eat, enjoy it, and then redirect your focus to your life and to other things, and to people, the smoother the trip will be and the more you’ll appreciate the experience.

Question 7: Fear around parties and “last binge” thinking

A described how the anticipation of parties triggers binges—either in the form of restricting before the event and then going crazy at the event, or bingeing beforehand and eating way too much at the event (with the thought of, I’ll just stop after the party). Some of the same advice I gave about the cruise applies here as well, and some of the advice I’m going to give in this question also applies to the cruise question, but I wanted to address this as a separate question because it brings up some good things to consider.

The reality is that—whether we’re talking about a trip or a party—food and social events often mix. A lot of social events include tempting food, and as you’re stopping binge eating, you need to navigate this. I know it can seem appealing to have a vision of yourself not even thinking about food in these situations and only focusing on the people, but I want you to have realistic expectations for yourself. I want you to realize that even normal eaters think about tempting food more often on a cruise or at a party that includes a lot of those tempting foods than they do on normal days. Yes, it absolutely may be more pronounced in your own mind because of past restriction and the bingeing habit, but try not to expect yourself to avoid food thoughts or food noise completely in relation to these events. This is simply part of being human and enjoying pleasurable experiences.

Something to consider is that a lot of people have these event-related food thoughts in a very positive way, where they are looking forward to the amazing food they’re going to eat at the event and they’re excited about it. I want you to start to see that as an available option to you as well, but it’s okay if you don’t feel like you’re quite there yet. In any situation like this—whether it’s a cruise, party, or something similar—try to realize that you may eat more than you usually eat. You may possibly eat more unhealthy foods than you usually eat, and that’s okay too. Try to eat in the least restrictive way that’s possible for you in any given situation or event. Allow yourself the food you enjoy while still eating in a way that feels aligned with who you are and what you want—and that doesn’t tip into harmful bingeing behaviors. If there are truly foods that you feel you need to avoid to support yourself, avoid them without shame or self-judgment.

Try not to expect perfection from yourself at these events because it can really make things worse. If you go in with an unrealistic expectation of eating perfectly and then you don’t follow those unrealistic expectations, you may slip into that “all is lost, I failed, I might as well eat everything in sight and start tomorrow” mindset. All you’re trying to do at any party or event is make reasonable food decisions and not binge. When you think about food decisions for these events, just try to keep it somewhere between restriction and harmful overindulgence, and if you’re doing that, you’re doing great. If your lower brain wants to keep directing your attention toward the food, just try to have compassion for yourself. Understand that at some level focusing on food is normal—especially when there’s a lot of tempting food around—but keep reminding yourself that food is not the highest priority for you.

Remind yourself that it’s not really you that wants to focus on the food all the time. It’s just that lower brain being pleasure seeking and opportunistic. Just keep redirecting to other things and people, and try to enjoy the food and move on. It’s so much easier to do this when you nourish yourself leading up to this event and after the event as well. If it’s a party, the event is likely just one meal, so you need to eat your other meals and snacks during the day in a way that works for you. There’s no one exact formula for everyone and planning events like this is a great way to use one-on-one coaching or group coaching.

Another thing when considering these social events is to realize that no matter how well or not well it goes socially, that does not have to affect your ability to avoid a binge. Really come to terms with the fact that you can have a terrible time at the event—and still not binge. Leaving the event might be an option if you’re having a terrible time, but if leaving is not an option, remind yourself that you’re going to feel so much better when you can leave if you leave with your integrity—knowing that you did your best to eat in a reasonable way (not a perfect way), and that you avoided harming yourself with a binge.

The last thing I want to mention is that it can be helpful to have a plan for after the event—in terms of what you’ll eat next and possibly what you’ll do to decompress from the event—especially if you’re someone who finds social events anxiety-provoking. Even if you’re someone who loves socializing and you have an amazing time, you might still just need some time to yourself to do nothing after you leave the party. Maybe you want to just watch TV and check out for a little while, maybe you want to go home and have some soothing tea, maybe you want to go straight to bed, but just remind yourself that binge eating is never a solution to decompressing after a party.

Question 8: Chronic low self-esteem, even after recovery

A said that she wants to know more about the connection between eating issues and self-esteem—because even in recovery, she still finds that her self-esteem is low. She said the difference now is that she no longer punishes herself or soothes herself with food. This is very relatable and it’s a good reminder that you cannot wait to have a good self-esteem to stop bingeing. A, you are taking massive steps toward better health, and I’m so glad to hear that you’re in recovery and I hope that you’re proud of yourself. Just that feeling of pride from stopping this harmful behavior can be enough to start to move the needle just a little bit in a positive direction in the area of self-esteem, but if your self-esteem still feels low even a while after recovery, the question becomes—now what?

As much as I can remind you that you do not need a good self-esteem to stop bingeing or to stay binge free, that doesn’t mean I want you to just live with low self-esteem. I want you to start building your self-esteem, and a good place to start is by noticing any way—even if it seems really small—that you do feel better about yourself now that you’re binge free. You can write these things down, you can start a list, you can really start to seek out the good in relation to how you feel about yourself. I don’t know if this is happening or not for you A, but early in recovery—while the lower brain is still fighting to keep the binge eating habit alive—you may have thoughts that point out all of the negative things in your life or within yourself, as a way of encouraging you to binge. You may have thoughts like: I still don’t like myself for this or that reason, so what’s the point of recovery?

It seems like you’re doing great dismissing those thoughts and not letting them lead to binges, but what those thoughts can often do is make you not notice the progress you are making in terms of your self-esteem. Those thoughts are constantly pointing out the negative—and because the lower brain is so loud in pointing out those negatives—you may have to consciously find and focus on the positive. Try to notice and really savor all of the positive effects that recovery has on your self-esteem. Now that you’re not bingeing, you can ask yourself: How are you learning to care about yourself? How has the strength you’ve shown to stop bingeing made you feel about yourself? In what ways are you proud of yourself each day that you don’t binge or restrict?

Those questions are in relation to recovery itself, but you can also think outside of recovery. You can start really small—just notice when you exhibit a positive characteristic, notice when someone is kind to you, notice when you’re kind to yourself, notice when you accomplish even something that may seem insignificant—and generate some feelings of pride in yourself.

Also, something that can help with self-esteem that seems a little counterintuitive is to redirect attention away from yourself. In talking about self-esteem, we tend to be self-focused, which is of course a valuable endeavor; but sometimes the best way to build our own self-esteem is to do something for someone else—to compliment someone else, to give to someone in need, or just to connect with someone you care about. Also, notice things you enjoy out in the world—notice hobbies that you like, notice what you like out in nature, notice the times, places, and situations where you do feel good about yourself and then try to make more of those experiences.

Question 9: When healing from your eating disorder reveals that you’re in the wrong relationship

K described the difficult realization that she may have chosen her partner during the fog of the eating disorder. Now that she’s clearer and healthier, she sees the problems in the relationship more plainly and wonders what to do. Although this is an extremely difficult realization, it’s always better to have clarity than to be living in a fog, even if that clarity brings with it some painful realizations. This was something I felt personally affected my own journey with relationships as well, and K, I want to tell you that there is simply no easy answer here; but even opening up about it puts you in a position to start to explore what’s right for you.

You should be so proud of yourself for overcoming the eating disorder and becoming healthier, and the fact that you now get to work on improving your life in other ways is a very good thing. You can develop so much strength and empathy from going through this process of determining if a relationship can continue into the future. A good way to start is just by taking a sort of inventory of the issues that you find problematic—and take an inventory of your own feelings as well. Then, you can start to seek support in determining the right path. Ask yourself if you can see the relationship growing with you as a recovered person. Couples therapy or individual therapy can be a great source of support as you make these decisions, and relationship coaching is a great option too. As I’ve said in prior parts of this series, this is something I now offer. I got a certification in relationship coaching, so I could help you with these issues either in addition to getting coaching on binge eating recovery or as a separate goal. If you do want to talk about relationships in a session with me, just book a normal one-on-one session, and then when you fill out your questionnaire, just mention whatever you want to talk about. Of course, I’m not the only option here—there are many relationship coaches, but the idea is just to seek the support that feels right for you.

Sometimes the dynamics that arise between two people when one is struggling and at a really low state, make it so that those two people are really not well suited for each other. I’ll try to explain this from my own experience. I know that when I was struggling with bingeing, I felt so unlovable for so long that it really made me vulnerable to get into a relationship too quickly. When someone made me feel worthy for the first time in a long time, I think that made me gloss over some things—and not to sound too cliche, but it made me ignore some red flags, or at least minimize them. I should have been getting validation from myself and not being so quick to outsource it to someone else, and although that relationship did somehow work and lasted a very long time—even after the eating disorder—the problems between us eventually became unmanageable and we divorced.

There are so many ways that being in that low state of the eating disorder can possibly interfere with healthy relationship dynamics, and the outcome of breaking up or divorcing is not inevitable, because every couple and every person is different. An important thing is not to beat yourself up over your past choices. You were simply doing the best you could at the time that you got into the relationship, and although it may be a loss if this relationship ends—and you can allow yourself to grieve that—there’s no need to add shame to yourself for your past choices. So many of us have done this while caught up in an eating disorder, and honestly, so many of us have done this just in life without an eating disorder—as far as not necessarily making the most rational decisions when it comes to relationships. Relationships are of course highly emotional, and it’s easy to look back once those emotions have settled and think more clearly. But honor your past self, and realize that your past self was caught up in emotions, and forgive yourself for any decisions that you made that you now think weren’t the right decisions.

We all go through phases where one relationship seems like the right one, but then life circumstances and changes within ourselves make it no longer seem right as time goes by. This doesn’t mean the relationship was a failure and may mean the relationship has simply served its purpose for both of you and now it no longer does. It does not have to make anyone right or wrong, and there is a place for letting go with love, kindness, respect, and gratitude for the time together. That does not mean it’s going to be easy to leave—if that’s the decision you end up making, and it may not even be possible to leave right now depending on many factors like kids or finances. But for now, know that you don’t have to make all those decisions right away and allow yourself to just feel and acknowledge that the relationship no longer feels right. Stay in that feeling for a while if you need to—without pressuring yourself to make those life-altering decisions.

But when you feel ready, gradually start turning towards solutions—whether that’s to try to rebuild a new version of this relationship by being open with your partner and working together to make it fit in your life now, or whether the solution is to end the relationship.

Question 10: Honesty in relationships and how much should you share

M is in a loving and supportive relationship and wants to know how much to open up to him and how to open up to him—especially regarding the aftermath of a binge and how it affects her, and how it affects how she shows up in their relationship. In this situation, it seems like M’s husband already knows some of the struggle as far as the bingeing and M is deciding whether or not to go deeper to help him have a better understanding of how her behavior changes after binges. She’s worried about the shame that she’ll feel for sharing more details and in her own words, she’s also worrying about “sounding insane.”

I addressed a question earlier in this post about someone who decided not to share with their partner, but M does want to share with her partner, and I hope this helps you see that there is so much nuance here and there’s no right or wrong about how open you have to be. It’s all about what feels right for you, based on your values and what you feel will be the most supportive to your own recovery and your relationship. What I’ll say here in response to M is that—when it comes to such a deeply personal struggle like bingeing—you don’t need to explain every tiny detail to be honest and to help him understand. It’s okay to balance your desire to share with your desire to protect yourself and not open yourself up to feeling an extreme amount of shame or embarrassment.

As a little aside here about feeling like you’ll “sound insane,” I wanted to mention that when I published Brain over Binge six years after my own recovery, and I still remember feeling like that. I can relate so much; I felt like everyone I knew was going to read it and think I was insane. Even though the behavior was way in the past for me, I remember feeling some shame and embarrassment knowing that my friends and my family members were going to know the details of my struggle. So, you’re definitely not broken for wanting to keep some of this private—this is something that affects anyone who struggles with something like this. About the book and about the shame I felt, that has definitely faded over time. It’s been 20 years since my recovery, so in a lot of ways it does feel like a lifetime ago, but I don’t want you to think something is wrong with you if you have some shame surrounding this, and it is okay to protect yourself.

Just take some time to think about what you are comfortable sharing at this point or what you feel like might be necessary to support the relationship. Also think about what he might be willing and able to receive at this point. You can start small and then gradually share more over time if you find that it does go well and that it’s helpful and supportive for you. Basically, it does not have to be full transparency all at once. Something else you can keep in mind as you worry about feeling “insane” (which you are definitely not) is that there are certain ways that you can explain the struggle in a way that makes it seem more understandable. There’s a lot of science behind this—science that I share in the book about why food deprivation leads to out-of-control eating, and why out-of-control eating becomes habitual, and about the physiological effects that eating that much food has on you.

It doesn’t make you broken. A lot of this is based on very natural, but primitive mechanisms of our brain that get conditioned in harmful ways. Most people can absolutely understand getting hooked on something that may be pleasurable in some way, but that’s also not good for you. I’m sure there’s something in your husband’s life that he had a habit surrounding that he could relate to your struggle. Most people have moments in their life where they feel driven to do something that they regret, and most people can relate to struggles with food. Even though other people’s struggles may not be to the extent that it is with bingeing, everyone can relate to not being perfect with food.

Thank you so much to everyone who submitted a question. Your willingness to share made this post possible and helped others see that they are not alone. I hope the advice I shared gave you some useful guidance to navigate the issues that you’re dealing with. If you want more help as you end binge eating and work on any related challenges, you can get one-on-one coaching or join the group for personalized support.

Go to Part V of this series