Boredom is Better Than Bingeing
(This blog post is based on the transcript of Episode 204: Boredom is Better Than Bingeing)
Many people have described to me the experience of getting some traction in recovery so that they are bingeing much less or not at all, and they are also doing their best to eat normally. And while they can absolutely see the benefits of this and they can see the stability and the health that they are creating, they simultaneously have an experience of feeling “flat” or “bored” or just emotionally “blah”.
This experience is not specific to stopping binge eating. It can also happen when someone is cutting back on something like alcohol, overuse of social media, or any other habit or substance that has created a lot of artificial excitement or escape.
Even though the people I’ve talked to about this are genuinely happy and excited to be binge-free or moving toward being binge-free, they still have thoughts like, why does everything feel dull? Or why don’t I feel more joyful? Or why does normal life feel flat?
If you’re experiencing this, you may find yourself confused, especially if you’ve wanted recovery for a very long time. It can feel strange to have the experience of finally getting a taste of what recovery feels like, and maybe it doesn’t feel quite as wonderful as you were hoping.
I know that you can rationally see that it is actually wonderful in so many ways to be binge-free. It is wonderful to wake up without that regret and shame. It’s wonderful to go to bed without feeling physically awful from bingeing. It’s wonderful not to be wasting so much time, energy, mental space, or money on binges. It’s wonderful to know that you’re no longer doing something that’s hurting you, but that doesn’t mean every moment of recovery feels exciting.
The absence of chaos can feel like boredom
Sometimes, especially early on, recovery can feel a lot quieter than you expected; and sometimes the absence of the chaos and the struggle can feel like boredom. I want to discuss this in depth because it’s something that—if not properly understood—could put you at risk for going back to the habit.
Having the experience of boredom after stopping bingeing does not mean anything has gone wrong. It does not mean bingeing was giving your life true excitement and meaning. It does not mean the habit was helping you, and it definitely does not mean you need to start bingeing again in order to feel alive.
It simply means that your brain and your life are adjusting to being without the extreme highs and lows of the habit. Bingeing creates intensity, anticipation, urgency, and very temporary feelings of pleasure, escape, or relief. But then, of course, it always creates the other side too. It creates all of the consequences that come with bingeing: the physical pain, shame, lost time, disconnection, exhaustion, and the repeating cycle of trying new things to “fix yourself” or to “get back on track”.
When you remove the bingeing, you are removing those awful consequences and taking away the pain and the chaos, but you’re also removing those artificial spikes of excitement or pleasure that your lower brain has learned to expect. Because of that, it simply makes sense that life could feel flatter for a while.
An important thing to remember is that flatter is not worse. Feeling stable is not worse. Being able to be functional in your life is not worse. However, stable or functional may not feel like the high you were expecting from recovery.
Recovery does not automatically produce an exciting life
An important message I teach is that recovery does not mean a perfect life. I discuss this a lot on my blog and podcast in terms of emotional issues and why it’s so important to realize that recovery does not lead to a you who copes perfectly with everything. Thinking that’s necessary for recovery can prolong recovery indefinitely.
I believe it’s the same when it comes to the idea of boredom. Recovery doesn’t produce a you who finds life fun or exciting. It produces a you who does not binge, and that you who does not binge is likely out of practice finding other pleasures or fun in life. Furthermore, without the extreme dopamine rush of the binge eating habit, there is some recalibrating that needs to happen in your body and brain.
Know that what you might find dull or boring at first after recovery won’t always feel that way. You can learn to reframe it as peace or steadiness that, in fact, feels really good and not like anything is missing at all. The recalibration does not happen overnight, so it’s really important to have some awareness about this possible stage of boredom so that it doesn’t trip you up, or trick you into going back to the “excitement” of bingeing.
Boredom isn’t harmful, bingeing is
A mantra you can repeat to yourself if you’re dealing with this right now is: Boredom is better than bingeing.
Even if boredom is uncomfortable, even if it’s not your favorite feeling, and even if your lower brain tries to tell you that bingeing would make life more exciting again, boredom is still a preferred state to bingeing.
To really see this, it’s helpful to think about what you would tell someone that you care about who told you that life felt boring without a harmful behavior. You would have compassion for them, knowing that the adjustment might be hard, but you would never say, “Okay, then the solution to that boredom is to go back to the harmful behavior.” You would know that boredom is not a reason for that person to hurt themselves, and it’s the same for you.
Remind yourself daily that boredom—like any emotion—is not a reason to binge. The lower brain will likely argue against this logic because, remember, its goal is immediate gratification and getting you to maintain the habit. If you feel bored, the lower brain can start to paint a very dreary picture of what life is like without the habit.
You may have thoughts like, “You’ll never find anything else as pleasurable as bingeing,” or “Normal eating is so boring,” or “Your daily routine is boring,” or “Being responsible is boring,” or that “Working or doing daily tasks without constantly eating is boring,” and those thoughts can seem very believable in the moment. But again, remind yourself that boredom is better than bingeing.
Seeing the full picture of boredom vs. bingeing
One of the main reasons for the boredom is better than bingeing mantra is that it does not make feeling excitement or having a fun life a requirement to stay binge-free. Even if you can’t talk yourself out of being bored, you need to know that you can still avoid a binge.
Later in this post, I’m going to discuss ways that you can help yourself with boredom; but fundamentally, you have to know that boredom is still the preferred state to the awful cycle of bingeing. When you think about it this way, then even in moments when you truly feel like the choice is between boredom and bingeing, you’re still going to choose recovery.
Also, in those moments when you believe it’s a choice between boredom and bingeing, remember that this is not the whole picture. This is an oversimplified and dramatic version that the lower brain is creating. When the lower brain presents bingeing as the “only solution” to boredom or as the “only choice” in moments of boredom, it sends messages making you think that bingeing will be a source of fun or relief or comfort or excitement. It completely leaves out the reality of what bingeing costs you and the harm that comes to your life as a result.
If you were to believe the lower brain and choose to binge as a “solution” for boredom, it’s truly a terrible one that you always regret. I’ve never talked to someone who was happy afterward that they chose bingeing over boredom.
So, when those thoughts that say that “bingeing is better than boredom” arise, you can begin to recognize them for what they are. They are faulty messages that make bingeing seem appealing or useful in the moment, but that lead you into behaviors that you don’t want. Granted, those behaviors might not be boring, but there are far worse things in life than being bored, and bingeing is one of them.
Once you see that clearly, you don’t have to give those thoughts so much meaning. You don’t have to analyze them, argue with them, or get pulled into a long debate about whether your life is exciting enough. You can simply understand that the lower brain is not offering you any wisdom here. It is just encouraging you to return to the habit. Your higher brain can see the full picture that any anticipation or excitement of giving into the urge always, always includes pain.
Recovery leads to being functional and free
We need to be really honest with ourselves that we simply cannot separate the brief period of escape into the binge from the aftermath of the binge. We can’t say, “I just want the pleasurable part to relieve the boredom,” because that “pleasurable” part and the painful part are always tied together. Even if your lower brain tries to show you only the first scene of the movie, your higher brain knows how the movie ends.
When you see this full picture, boredom starts to look a little different. Boredom may not be pleasant, but boredom does not destroy your life or your health. Boredom does not leave you ashamed. Boredom does not take away your ability to function the rest of the day or the next day. Boredom is not harmful. Bingeing is harmful.
When you don’t binge, even if you feel dull, you gain the ability to be functional in your life. I know the word functional may not sound very exciting, but functionality is a gift. When you’re not bingeing, you can show up for yourself and others. You can make plans and actually follow through (or at least start thinking about what plans you may want to make). You can pursue goals (or at least start thinking of some goals that you might want to pursue). You can share your gifts with the world (or start connecting with and trying to develop your unique gifts).
You can be present for the people you care about. You can simply move through your day and take care of your responsibilities without dragging the pain of a binge behind you. In short, being binge-free gives you your life back. And sometimes, especially in the beginning, getting your life back does not feel like fireworks. Sometimes it feels like doing the dishes, going to work, dealing with your finances, watching some mindless TV, calling an old friend, or just having an ordinary evening.
That may feel boring to the lower brain, but to your higher brain, it is freedom taking shape. When your lower brain says, “boring,” answer with “functional” or “free.” Let boring be a launchpad for more stability and the ability to start building a life that you can feel good about.
Boredom around normal meals and snacks
Another place the “boring” thought could come up is in relation to your meals and snacks. When you’re used to eating a large amount of very highly stimulating foods in the binges, then eating normal amounts—of possibly less stimulating foods—consistently might feel unsatisfying to the lower brain.
We are absolutely meant to enjoy food. It’s okay to take pleasure in what you eat and enjoy things like desserts and sweets in ways that work for you. But in the beginning, eating in moderation might give you that dull or unsatisfied feeling.
Again, remind yourself that boredom is better than bingeing, and trust that as time goes by and your body and brain stop expecting such extreme amounts, then the normal amounts will start to feel more enjoyable and satisfying. It’s about trusting in the recalibration that needs to happen in your body and brain.
Try to see it as a good thing that your normal eating is not giving you that “hit” that binge eating was, because that “hit” was harming you. The goal is not to try to recreate that binge feeling with your normal meals or to find something else to do that lights up your brain with that exact same intensity as bingeing. Your new goal is to just let normal enjoyment be enough, and let normal eating be enough—even if it does not feel like enough at first.
When your lower brain says, “Life is boring because nothing else feels like bingeing,” you can tell yourself, “Nothing else has to feel like bingeing.” A walk does not have to feel like bingeing. A shower does not have to feel like bingeing. A TV show does not have to feel like bingeing. Music, reading, calling a friend, folding laundry, going to bed early do not have to feel like bingeing—so don’t expect them to.
Stop trying to replicate bingeing and work on letting go
Expecting other activities to feel like bingeing creates more frustration, so stop trying to replicate bingeing with something else. Your goal is to let go of the extreme highs and lows and start to create something different in your life.
When your lower brain says, “Nothing else will satisfy like a binge,” you can answer with, “Fine. Nothing else has to satisfy me in that specific, harmful way.”
That response can be so powerful because you’re no longer arguing with the urge. You’re no longer trying to prove that something else will be just as exciting. You’re no longer putting pressure on yourself to find the perfect substitute for bingeing. You’re simply saying, “I do not need that type of satisfaction anymore. I can live without it, and I’ll be much better off.”
Now, everyone needs comfort, pleasure, rest, connection, and enjoyment, but the key is to see that you do not need it in that particular form of bingeing—which is hurting you. The sense that you need that specific form of escape is part of the conditioned habit, and as the habit fades, so will that sense of need and desire.
It’s about giving up what is hurting you, knowing that nothing else is going to give you that same feeling right now (nor do you want something to), and trusting that in time, you’ll find new and healthier forms of satisfaction, healthier forms of enjoyment, and real solutions to boredom.
Moving beyond bingeing and boredom
Here I want to move on to solutions for boredom, because even if you understand that boredom is better than bingeing, you understandably want to move beyond that phase. You want to start thinking about what you want your days and nights to look like, what you want to do with your time, and who you are without this habit.
First, I want you to see that the fact that you’re experiencing some of these bigger questions is a gift. It means there is space opening up, and the habit is no longer consuming every bit of your attention. Boredom can be a gentle motivator to discover new things for yourself, and you do not have to rush this. You do not have to create an amazing new life overnight. You do not need to suddenly become a person with 10 hobbies, perfect routines, or constant joy. You can start very small.
The reason it could feel challenging at first is simply because by bingeing in response to boredom, you haven’t truly given yourself a chance to discover new things to fill your time. I’m not talking about trying one new thing and then deciding it’s “not as good as bingeing;” I’m talking about really deciding that bingeing is never an option—no matter how bored you are and no matter how unsatisfying new activities feel at first—and committing to that over the long term.
Eight categories of things to do
I want to give you a simple framework that you can use to start to help yourself in these moments when life feels boring or flat without bingeing, or when the lower brain produces the common thought that “there’s nothing else to do except binge.”
This is simply never true, and you can see this by realizing that you would never tell someone else that there is nothing to do except binge. At every moment, there are millions of people doing a multitude of things that do not involve bingeing.
You can always find something to occupy your time, but when you’re out of practice doing other things, it can help to have a framework to remind your brain that there are other things to do. The framework is eight simple categories of things to do that you can use to guide you or to brainstorm. I recommend writing down as many ideas as you can think of in each category.
- Connection
Involves reaching out to others in some way, such as calling a friend or writing a letter. It could include spending time with or making plans to spend time with people that you care about, or determining how to meet someone new. - Creativity
This could be any project or hobby such as writing, art, home projects, or music. - Recovery
I included this category to remind you that during times when you feel bored, you can turn to binge-eating recovery resources. You can journal, you can join a recovery community like the Brain over Binge Group or any other community. - Responsibilities
This includes all of those necessary things in life that we simply have to do to make our lives function—like running errands, doing chores, completing tasks, or paying bills. - Self-care
Any form of relaxation or rest or any form of hygiene that you enjoy, like a warm shower or skincare. - Fun
This could include a wide variety of things that you could possibly find pleasure in, from something as simple as playing with your dog to taking a trip. - Service
You can do something to help a cause that you care about. You can do something kind for a neighbor, or do volunteer work. When you’re really feeling stuck in your own mind, it can really help to shift to thinking about how you can best help someone else. - Purpose
You can engage in something that makes life more meaningful to you. This could include things like evaluating your career path or determining how to get involved in your community. It can also include any form of spiritual practice that connects you with who you believe yourself to be on a deeper level.
You will likely be able to think of other categories as well, but doing any of these things or anything else that you find personally beneficial can support you in riding out the urges, and countering the faulty lower brain story that “bingeing is the only thing to do” or that “recovery is boring”.
The main message here is that although you absolutely can be bored and still not binge, you do not have to stay stuck in boredom either. Celebrate yourself when you do anything from these categories instead of following the urge. Even if the activity you chose felt flat or you still couldn’t quite shake the boredom, you still did an amazing thing for yourself by choosing boredom over pain.
Trust that your body and brain will adjust in time. Trust that boredom is not an emergency. Boredom is the start of a better life for yourself.
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Do you need more help as you stop binge eating?
Free Inspiration Booklet – The booklet contains 31 daily messages to help you stay focused and motivated each day as you let go of binge eating.
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Brain over Binge Books – Get Brain over Binge and the Brain over Binge Recovery Guide on Amazon and Audible.