Healing Your Relationship with Food, Yourself, and Others (Part V)
This is Part 5 of a blog series that addresses healing your relationship with food, yourself, and others. I’m recording this as a podcast series as well, and what follows is a transcript of the episode. (Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Q&A Part 4 of the blog series).
This final post of the series is another Q&A post where I’ll answer your questions about this topic. Between Part 4 and this post, I’ll discuss nearly every question that I was sent from my email subscribers, but I did group some questions together if they were very similar. All questions are anonymous; I used only the first initial of the person who sent me the question. If you want to be part of any future Q&A episodes or posts on various topics, and if you want to get more support in your recovery, you can join my email list by signing up to get my free Inspiration Booklet.
Question 1: Low confidence, loneliness, and bulimia
S wrote about how bulimia led her to withdraw from relationships, but also, she talked about thinking that her own difficulties with connection—things like low self-esteem, shyness, and insecurity—may have contributed to the bulimia in the first place.
It’s definitely been a theme throughout this series that eating disorders commonly cause isolation and cause people to withdraw from relationships. When you’re caught in the binge eating cycle, socializing can feel very overwhelming—either because you’re worried about food, you’re worried about your body, or you’re feeling those awful physical and emotional effects of the bingeing and purging, which just kind of makes you want to stay home. Over time, it can really seem easier to pull back from people altogether.
In Part 3 of this blog series, I talked about how you can start to overcome this and gradually build skills to connect with people again, so I definitely recommend you read that post.
I also want to acknowledge your thought that maybe your shyness and insecurity were risk factors from the start, and I want to say that’s entirely possible. Many people who struggle with eating disorders can look back and see ways that their personality traits or their life circumstances might have made them more vulnerable. And it definitely helps to look back to your past self with all the compassion in the world, because you were simply doing the best you knew how to do at the time. But now in the present, I just want you to know that seeing something as a risk factor does not mean it has to doom you to the behavior now or in the future. Those same traits can and do exist without bingeing and purging. This connection is not permanent.
The connection between shyness or loneliness and the development of bulimia can come from a belief that if you change your body, then that will somehow help with the self-esteem or the insecurity—by possibly making you feel more accepted. You may think that if you lose weight, you may be more confident socially, or you’ll be somehow better in relationships. That desire to change your body or to fit in—to help solve some of the insecurity—can lead to unhealthy dieting behaviors, which then can set the stage for that survival response of binge eating, and then eventually bulimia. Then all of that has the opposite effect that you originally intended, and instead of fitting in more, you find yourself more and more isolated.
I think it’s helpful to realize that you may always be someone who has tendencies towards shyness or insecurity—and that does not mean you can’t work to improve your skills in that area—but I think it makes sense to acknowledge that these might be your tendencies, and that’s okay. You can acknowledge that while also deeply recognizing that those tendencies don’t need to result in binge eating or in restriction.
Tendencies are not destiny, and while you can work on any tendency, it’s also really useful if you start to recognize that you can be alone and not binge; you can feel insecure around others and not binge; you can have negative thoughts about yourself and not binge. Internalizing that truth is a big part of loosening the grip of the habit, because you’re no longer giving your tendencies so much meaning in terms of your recovery. You’re no longer giving shyness or insecurity the power to cause bingeing in your life now and going forward.
What can also help is to see the gifts in your own tendencies. The world often treats shyness or introversion as if something is wrong with you, but it doesn’t have to be wrong. People are naturally on a spectrum between introversion and extroversion and have very different social needs. You get to decide what your social needs and wants are, in terms of how and when you want to connect with others. Don’t assume there’s a problem just because society says you should have a big group of friends or you should have a busy social calendar.
As a fellow introvert who loves alone time, I can tell you that you can learn to accept and even value these parts of yourself while still challenging yourself in the areas where you do want to grow. Now, I realize that introversion is one thing, but if you’re having deep feelings of insecurity, this is always something to address—not in terms of a way to prevent bingeing, but as a way to relieve that harsh criticism you may be putting on yourself.
You can work on this gradually by starting with situations and relationships and people who you do feel more comfortable with, and you can learn to own who you are and own your unique gifts regardless of others’ opinions. Always remember that recovery does not require perfect confidence, but as you gain freedom from the binge-purge cycle, your self-worth will improve. Then, you can make even more empowered decisions about how to connect on a social level and how to build relationships that feel safe and nourishing to you.
Question 2: Embarrassment around food choices, which is limiting relationships
E wrote about feeling embarrassed to eat certain meals in front of others—meals that work well for him and help him feel good—because of a fear that people will think he’s weird. E also mentioned feeling embarrassment around avoiding certai foods, which can sometimes lead to him skipping social events that are centered on food.
In Part 4, I addressed a couple of questions about sharing binge eating or the effects of bingeing with others, but this question is a little different. It’s more about wanting to hide certain food choices from others or feeling judged, and that leading to wanting to avoid the social situations altogether.
The first thing I’d encourage you to do, E—which it does seem like you already have a lot of insight about—is to get clear with yourself about what you need and want in terms of eating, especially in social situations. It’s possible that some of the embarrassment or insecurity you feel may be rooted in your own uncertainty about your choices. If maybe you’re not sure about whether or not you truly want or need to be avoiding a certain food, you might have the tendency to gauge others’ reactions—possibly looking for approval—even if some of this is going on at an unconscious level. This makes other people’s reactions, especially the negative ones, seem really discouraging.
A summary of this is simply that uncertainty with yourself can make fear of judgment dictate your actions, instead of you taking confident action—knowing what’s best for you. I’m not saying that you’re definitely uncertain, but when you’re really worried about being embarrassed or looking weird, I just want you to look a little deeper and confirm with yourself that you are on the right path for you.
Sometimes with eating disorders, this can get a bit confusing, and it can feel hard to fully trust yourself. You may have competing voices in your head—you may have a restriction voice telling you to avoid more and more foods, while the binge voice urges you to eat everything in excessive amounts. But you can learn to get in touch with your wise voice—that’s neither the restriction voice nor the binge voice—and when you’re in touch with that wise voice and you’re confident in your own choices, it becomes much easier to handle comments or questions from others without letting those comments derail you.
That confidence does not come from convincing anyone else that your way of eating is right, and it also doesn’t come from anyone else validating your decisions. It comes from knowing inside yourself that your choices are serving you. That’s why I see this question as more about the relationship with yourself than it is about your relationship with others. It’s about learning to look inward and connect with the part of you who has your best interest at heart and never wants to guide you toward deprivation or extreme overindulgence.
Once you know what genuinely nourishes you, and that you enjoy, and that makes you feel good—which, again, it seems like you already have a pretty good idea of—you can start owning those choices, even if those choices don’t match what people expect or what may be common in a certain social setting. You can realize that others possibly thinking you’re “weird,” or feeling a little embarrassment, is much better than abandoning your wise voice and abandoning your own self-care.
Also, something really helpful to realize is that others are probably not thinking as negatively about you as you think they are—and they may not be thinking negatively at all. Most people are pretty self-focused and are likely dealing with their own insecurities and may be worried about what you think of them.
If you start to have any feelings of embarrassment or judgment come up in social settings, you can have a simple mantra to say to yourself, like: I’m allowed to nourish my body in the way that works for me. And if you do encounter anyone who is openly critical, you can address it kindly but directly. You can say something like: I’m learning to eat in a way that makes me feel good, and this is simply what’s working for me right now. If the person continues to push or tries to pressure you into eating in a way you’ve already said is not right for you, it’s worth reevaluating whether that’s someone you want to spend time with.
Question 3: Marginalization, gender identity, and access to healing
This question addresses the larger social context. X wrote to me with a layered and deeply important question. They shared about being non-binary and an ethnic minority, a displaced person, and sociopolitically vulnerable—living much of their life without the safety or support that many take for granted. They’ve also been estranged from family and the larger community due to a lack of acceptance.
X also expressed how eating disorders can be tied to gender dysphoria, and weight and shape control through food and exercise can be a way to align one’s body with one’s identity. They wanted to know: How can we help our most vulnerable populations heal, and how do we truly acknowledge that a lack of safety can make recovery more complex?
First, X, I want to acknowledge everything you’re saying—that yes, some people do have a much harder path than others when it comes to getting support, or accessing resources, or just having that basic safety. Even though it’s my belief that the capacity for neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to rewire itself over time—is something that’s available to the vast majority of us, the process of creating those changes, and the challenges faced along the way, is not the same for everyone.
There’s individuality and uniqueness in how each brain operates, and then when we go beyond the brain to the greater context of relationships and social structures as a whole, the challenges can become even more complex. Personal, relational, social, and cultural factors can add layers of difficulty, and those difficulties can be compounded by marginalization—as you’re pointing out.
I’ve talked about some of the challenges that specifically relate to gender identity in Episode 154: Eating Disorders and Recovery in the LGBTQ Community with Quinn Haisley. Quinn works extensively with LGBTQIA+ clients and brings important lived experience to these conversations, and I highly recommend that you listen to that episode.
An important thing to point out here is that if you’re in a situation that’s unsafe—whether that’s because of an abusive relationship (like I talked about in Part II of this series), or whether that’s because of a broader social environment where your safety is compromised—getting to safety becomes your first priority. Part I of this series addressed Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, and I talked about how the basics of safety make other goals possible and make other forms of healing possible. If you can find communities, resources, or even a single person who understands and affirms you, that support can be a lifeline and a launching point toward deeper healing.
Now, beyond that, I want to go back to talking about neuroplasticity and changing habits being something that the majority of us can learn to do—even in the most difficult circumstances (once basic safety needs are met). Recovery—at its most basic level—comes down to the two things that I talk about all of the time: dismissing urges to binge and eating adequately. If you find that you cannot do one or both of those things right now based on something you’re going through, it’s really important to dig deeper and ask yourself what specifically is getting in the way.
With your own lived experience in mind and the realities of being marginalized, what specifically do you feel is holding you back from dismissing urges, and what is specifically holding you back from eating adequately?
You’ve already pinpointed something that you find is holding you back from adequate eating in terms of your gender identity, and that’s really insightful and important, and I’ll address that next. But by reflecting on these questions—about what specifically is preventing you from dismissing urges and eating adequately—what you’re doing is trying to make things just a little less overwhelming for yourself as far as recovery goes.
If you believe that so much needs to change out in the world or within your community in order for you to recover, it’s possible that this may get in the way of you taking steps toward healing, and it may put you in a situation where you continue to harm yourself because of issues that you’re not able to control at this point. Now, that does not mean to ignore those issues, and I fully realize that not being part of a marginalized community myself—that my perspective is very limited, and I don’t have the authority or the lived experience to speak directly to what that’s like.
My role here is to help people stop bingeing, and I never want to tell someone that their circumstances make recovery impossible. As much as I can, I want to try to help people to stay focused on solutions as far as the bingeing goes—even though I do not have all of the answers for the terrible things that go on in the world. Just like I encourage people not to wait until their relationship issues are resolved to stop bingeing, we also can’t wait for the culture to change or for others to treat us the way we deserve before we start believing that we deserve to treat ourselves with respect and care no matter what.
That never means to just accept abuse or mistreatment. It just means that, as much as possible, you can start to disconnect binge eating from those terrible things. And when you stop bingeing in response to things going on outside of yourself, you become better resourced to take whatever steps you need to take to deal with the complex and difficult things that are going on in your life.
All of that being said, I want to bring you back to the main point that I was trying to get across here, which was that there absolutely may be things you uniquely feel are holding you back—and although you can’t solve everything or wait until the world changes to stop bingeing—there may be things you need to address before you feel like you can approach recovery (with your basic safety being the priority).
To guide you as you reflect on what you may need to address, you can listen to Episode 15: Readiness for Recovery from Binge Eating, which explores how to get in touch with what circumstances or issues may be getting in your way—without making recovery unnecessarily complex or overwhelming.
I also hear your point about body shape and gender identity. For some, maintaining a certain physique is tied directly to wanting to feel like their body matches their identity, and that can create tremendous pressure to control weight and shape through food and exercise. That’s not just “wanting to look good”—that’s deeply connected with your inner world, and it can make the idea of eating more or letting go of certain controls feel threatening.
In that podcast conversation with Quinn Haisley, we talked some about this topic, so I do encourage you to go listen, if you haven’t already. What you’re bringing up here is an example of why I feel like stopping the binge eating itself can often be more straightforward than stopping dieting or restricting behaviors. And as you know, it’s impossible to stop bingeing for any sustained amount of time without stopping those dieting and restricting behaviors. What I’ve noticed over the years is that it’s common for people to have deeply held reasons for wanting to change their body or maintain a certain weight, and some of those reasons can date back as long as they can remember. For some, those reasons are much more complex and personal than they are for others—and that seems to be the case for you, but that doesn’t mean it’s insurmountable.
When this control over your body is creating or sustaining an eating disorder, it’s so important to really take a look at what this is costing you. It’s worth exploring ways that you can care for your body and affirm your identity at the same time, in ways that don’t push you into patterns that harm you physically or mentally. This is not a specialty of mine, so I recommend getting support from professionals who understand both eating disorders and gender identity. This way, you won’t be left navigating those complexities alone.
You deserve to exist in this world without feeling unsafe. You deserve to be seen and respected. I want you to consider that recovering from your eating disorder could be a way that you prove to yourself that you do deserve self-care, even in the midst of hardship, and that no one can take your self-worth away from you. You can become a person who is not drained by an eating disorder, and when you free up your energy that’s currently going toward the struggles with food, you also put yourself in a better position to heal from everything you’ve been through.
Question 4: How to be a supportive partner
H wrote that she wants support and some healthy accountability in recovery, but she’s not sure how to ask for it. Her husband is supportive and aware, but he feels helpless.
I want to answer this question a little differently than you might expect. In Part 4 of this series, I spoke directly to people with eating disorders about how they can share with others, ask for support, or when sharing maybe isn’t what they want to do. For this question, I’m going to talk directly to the partner—the person who wants to help but isn’t sure how. And H, you may even want to share this with him.
If you’re a partner or friend supporting someone who’s trying to recover, the first thing to remember is to simply treat them like the whole, wonderful person that they are. Try to see the eating issues as separate from their core being, and treat them like you did before you found out about this issue—assuming that you treated them with love and care and respect. Do the normal things that you’ve always done together—have fun, laugh, focus on your life with that person outside of food…and check in with them to see what they may need.
If the person you’re supporting doesn’t know exactly what they need yet, that’s okay. Just check in now and then—not as an interrogation but with genuine curiosity and care. Sometimes just knowing that someone is present and engaged without any pressure is enough, or it may help them open up to exploring what they may need specifically from you.
Basically, you want to take your cues from the person who is struggling, and if they don’t give you any cues, you can gently ask for them. Ask them how you can best help, don’t assume. If the person does not offer any ways for you to help, you can ask more specific questions, like: Would it help if I sit with you while you eat? or Would you like me to offer you any reminders? or Is there anything I should avoid saying? And honor any request that the person makes.
You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to show up and be curious and be understanding. When you have meals with that person, simply try to be there and be present—without commenting on their eating habits, unless they’ve already made a specific request. Don’t try to take control or tell them what to do, and don’t try to become the “food police.” That does not mean you always have to be silent when you notice something concerning, but it’s often best not to bring it up within the meal itself—but afterward, at some point when you’re in a calm setting where you can ask questions and offer support.
It’s important to mention that what I’m saying here is for adults who are supporting other adults, not an adult supporting a child or adolescent. The most effective treatment for anorexia in children is family-based treatment (FBT), where parents do need to step in to provide structured meals and ensure that eating happens. It used to be the case where we told parents not to be the “food police” or comment on their kids’ eating habits—even if their children were engaging in dangerous behaviors—but all of that has changed as more research has emerged. FBT includes family-directed feeding which is definitely not the same as being the “food police.” It’s a very specific method for refeeding a child, with very important guidelines about food amounts, how to talk about food, and how to approach meals, so please do not try to do this without proper therapeutic guidance.
Another way you can be supportive is to be a good role model yourself as far as food. This doesn’t mean you have to eat perfectly, but the biggest thing is just to avoid making negative comments about food or about your own body. Don’t criticize yourself for eating something, or criticize your own weight, or say you need to lose weight, or label foods as good or bad. Try to be neutral or even positive about food, make an effort to nourish yourself well, and do not go to any extremes with food.
In addition to nourishing yourself, try to take care of yourself through this process. Supporting someone in recovery can feel uncomfortable and difficult at times. It can also be hard feeling like you don’t know what to do in certain moments, and it’s okay to admit that and ask for help for yourself when necessary. You can find that through therapy or a support group. The healthier and more grounded you are, the better you’ll be able to show up for the person that you care about.
H, I hope this will be useful to you and your husband. Take what you think makes sense from it, add your own ideas, and implement what works for you and your relationship—knowing that that may evolve as you recover.
Question 5: When sharing about your eating disorder backfires
S wrote that she told her husband about her eating disorder several years ago and has since regretted it because he uses it against her in arguments. She also said that she struggles not to take her frustration with continued bingeing out on her husband.
This is incredibly difficult. I want to say upfront that the fact that sharing your struggle has led to this dynamic does not mean you did anything wrong by telling him. You were doing what you thought was right for you at the time. You were trying to support yourself, and you were trying to get the support of someone you thought would be supportive. It’s not a problem with you sharing, it’s a problem with his lack of effort to try to understand how to support you—and, more importantly, which I’ll get to in a moment—his lack of kindness toward you about it.
Let’s talk about the understanding first. Even if you have a very supportive and kind partner, it’s helpful to take a step back and recognize that there are going to be limitations in what we can expect another person to really, truly understand about our struggles. Unless someone has experienced an eating disorder themselves, they’ll never be able to fully grasp what it’s like—and that’s not their fault. That’s true of so many things in life. Our internal struggles are in some ways ours alone, and to expect someone else to be able to fully empathize in a way that’s helpful 100% of the time is usually setting yourself up to be continually disappointed.
I’m not saying you’re doing that, S, but I just wanted to set those expectations upfront for anyone who is sharing with their partner, friend, or loved one. What we’re looking for when we share is effort to meet us halfway; we’re looking for connection—for a listening ear. We’re not looking for someone to know exactly what it’s like to be us, and it can help to give others some grace for not fully understanding.
Like I addressed in the previous question, it’s important to communicate about what kind of support you need, and it’s possible that doing this will help you in the area of taking your frustration with the eating disorder out on him. I realize I may be tipping into giving him excuses here—and I’m not—and I’m going to address that next. But it’s possible that he sees you so frustrated with the eating disorder and he doesn’t know how to help. Maybe in some ways you’re expecting him to know how to help, but he simply doesn’t—and it all culminates in him using the eating disorder against you, which is absolutely unacceptable.
Giving someone grace for a lack of understanding does not mean excusing poor treatment—especially the kind you’ve described. There’s a difference between someone not knowing how to support you, and then, on the other hand, someone taking something vulnerable and private that you’ve shared and using it against you. I believe that crosses a line.
If you haven’t already, and if it feels safe to do so, I would suggest that you explain the harm and hurt he’s causing when he brings this up in arguments. By being clear with him about how it affects you, you create clarity for both of you. He knows where you stand, and you know that he’s aware. And if after that, he continues to do it, then you need to consider next steps. That could mean something like couples therapy to talk through these dynamics, address any mistreatment, and also help you work through your own frustration. If you’re both willing to foster mutual respect, this could be very effective.
If you can’t come to any solutions—but you do want to keep the relationship going—another option is to basically remove him as a source of support and put some boundaries around the topic of the eating disorder. Make it something you both agree to not talk about, and then you can turn to other sources of support that you find more helpful. I know that it’s not ideal to not have the support of your primary relationship, but as I talked about in the previous post, it is possible to make that work and to seek support in other people in your life—and within yourself.
You definitely deserve relationships where your openness is met with care and not used against you—even if you do have moments of frustration. That’s not you expecting perfection from him, and it’s not you avoiding working on improving your own reactions. It’s just about expecting basic respect and kindness about something that is deeply personal to you.
My last piece of advice—as I’ve said in so many of these questions—is to try not to hinge your recovery on how he responds to any of this or how any of this goes. Imagine how empowering it will feel to possibly have an argument with him and not binge—or to feel ashamed of something that he said and not hurt yourself with food. Again, it’s never about accepting mistreatment, but it’s about treating yourself well and not falling for those lower brain messages that tell you a binge will fix things—because it never will.
Question 6: Learning to speak up in toxic relationships
J shared that she’s in a relationship with a person she said is a narcissist, and she’s beginning to learn to speak up for herself after years of people-pleasing, hiding to eat, or restricting.
First, J, I want to commend you for working on this skill of standing up for yourself. It’s definitely not easy, but you absolutely deserve to have your voice and needs heard. I also want to acknowledge that building the skill of speaking up is even more challenging in a toxic or manipulative relationship. It can feel a bit daunting, and it can take up a lot of emotional energy, and the speaking up does not always go as planned.
If you’re dealing with someone who is truly narcissistic, know that many common relationship strategies or communication tips that encourage open communication and mutual respect simply do not work with people who have high levels of narcissistic traits. It can be easy to believe that all you need to do is calmly assert yourself or make the person understand your perspective, but it’s rarely that straightforward. I read something recently that captures this well. It said something like: the conundrum with boundaries in relationships is that the people you most need to set boundaries with are often the people with whom it’s nearly impossible to set boundaries with.
I’m not saying it will definitely be this way for you, because everyone is different, and you do want to try to assume the best in people and give people the opportunity to create mutual understanding. But the issue with narcissism is that—because of their lack of empathy—it can make the non-narcissistic person think that maybe they’re just not saying things right, or maybe they’re setting the boundary wrong, or maybe they just need to be kinder or more understanding. This can really take you down a rabbit hole of thinking that you’re the problem.
If any of this resonates with you, I recommend listening to Episode 144: Eating Disorders and Narcissistic Relationships with Dr. Ramani. Dr. Ramani is a renowned expert on narcissism, and I highly recommend her as a resource as you’re dealing with these struggles.
Now, getting back to the bingeing—if your binge urges have connections to relationship stress, know that you can break those connections. Your lower brain might offer binge eating as a “solution” to calming yourself during times of relationship stress, or those lower brain messages may even present the binge as a “reward” for standing up for yourself or as a “relief” after a difficult conversation.
Any and all of these relationship-related messages that encourage bingeing are neurological junk, and when you can dismiss them, you put yourself in a much better position to care for yourself and be the person you want to be in your relationship—or make the decisions you need to make regarding staying in the relationship or not.
Something I want to add here is that even not speaking up does not cause bingeing. Being a people pleaser does not cause bingeing. In my own therapy, I definitely learned the idea that I had to stand up for myself and get my needs met so that I wouldn’t “turn to bingeing” to try to fulfill those emotional needs. I could probably spend the rest of this post talking about why that didn’t work and why it wasn’t true for me personally—and for so many others that I’ve worked with.
Being accommodating to others—or even overly accommodating—does not inherently lead to bingeing. Just like you can take any tendency you have and connect it to bingeing, you can take any tendency you have and disconnect it from bingeing. Then you get the opportunity to work on whatever tendencies you want to improve—without having to worry about bingeing. You can fail at standing up for yourself, and you can still not binge.
Just as a personal example, I had a nearly three-year relationship relatively recently where some of my people-pleasing and not-standing-up-for-myself tendencies were alive and well. It’s not something I’m the most proud of, and I feel like I’ll be a work in progress in this area for the rest of my life, but not once did an urge to binge show up—because I stopped believing that being assertive or avoiding people-pleasing is a cure for bingeing.
Yes, learning to speak up is an extremely valuable goal, and I’m definitely working on it, but even if you haven’t mastered it yet, you can still stop the eating disorder. That’s where your freedom begins.
Question 7: Binge eating and self-hatred
J asked about deep self-hatred that can come from the bingeing itself—specifically, hating yourself for the damage done to your body.
This is another question about that relationship with the self, and to me this question is not about self-worth overall or hating yourself in every aspect. It’s about the binge eating creating consequences and pain that negatively affects your relationship with yourself, and I completely get that.
Binge eating can do terrible things to a person’s health, wellbeing, and quality of life, and that’s why I’m here to try to help people avoid that as much as possible. But when the bingeing is doing those terrible things, it makes sense that feelings of hate would arise in relation to that. I hated it too, and these feelings can run deeper the longer you’ve had the problem or the more health effects that add up over time.
It gets more complicated than just hating the pain and the consequences, because you also recognize that you are the one doing the action of bingeing, and you’re the one having to live with the consequences. So, then it’s easy to assume that it’s all your fault. It feels like you are the one hurting you, so it makes sense that you may start hating yourself for it. But like I always talk about, it’s not truly you—at least not the real you. The bingeing is a primitive drive; it’s a habit that’s become deeply rooted in the lower brain over time. It’s separate from your identity, and values, and what you want for your life.
The most important point I want to make is that you can absolutely hate the binge eating, you can hate this lower brain habit, you can hate what it’s done to you—without turning that hatred toward yourself as a person. You can instead start to have compassion for yourself—seeing you and the eating disorder as separate.
When you direct your negative feelings at the eating disorder, or even at the factors that led you to start these behaviors in the first place, you’re not avoiding responsibility. You’re simply placing the blame where it belongs and stepping into the role of someone who can stand outside of the problem and its origins—and start taking action to end it.
Most people get into binge eating in a very innocent way—through dieting, food restriction, overfocus on weight, or overeating from a very young age—and they simply don’t know how the brain and body are going to respond to those things. It’s not your fault. You didn’t know what was going to happen when, for example, you went on that first diet.
Have compassion for that past version of yourself who was doing the best they could with the information, circumstances, and influences they had at the time. When the “I hate myself” thoughts come up, try to shift them to “I hate this,” and then let those “I hate this” thoughts fuel your determination to recover. I want you to think about if someone that you care about was struggling with something difficult and then blaming and hating themselves for it. Think of what you may say to them. You’d probably encourage them to see their worth beyond the problem, and you would try to convince them that they deserve to take steps forward to overcome what they’ve been through.
Try to give yourself that same compassion and that same encouragement. Your worth does not vanish because you’ve been caught in this habit. You can hate the problem and still decide that you’re valuable enough to solve it.
Question 8: What’s blocking the real me?
A asked: What am I so afraid of? How do I dig deep to find out what’s blocking the real me?
All of the questions in this post are so important, and a lot of them are really getting at that core relationship with yourself. The previous question was about learning not to hate the real you (even if you hate the effects of the eating disorder), and this one is about strengthening the real you by trying to understand what might be getting in the way and overcoming that.
As far as what’s holding you back, consider that some of it simply might be the voice of your lower brain. You may be mistakenly viewing that voice as you, when in reality, it’s just a stream of automatic messages generated by the habit. In that case, when what’s holding you back is those faulty messages from the lower brain, you can let go of the idea that there’s something deep and meaningful that’s blocking the real you.
It’s just that the real you is getting caught up in those habitual messages and taking them seriously—but you can learn to separate from them. What can help is to write down the specific lower brain messages that you’ve been believing, and then you can either reframe those thoughts in a way that aligns with your goals, or you can dismiss them altogether.
On the other hand, you may feel like what’s blocking you goes beyond the harmful, habitual messages of your primal brain. If you truly believe something else is holding you back from dismissing urges or from eating adequately, I want you to take the advice I gave to X in the question earlier—and try to get very specific about what it is that’s preventing you from eating enough or not acting on the urges to binge.
I would recommend that you also listen to Episode 15: Readiness for Recovery from Binge Eating. It could be an attachment to dieting, it could be feeling like you don’t have any motivation to recover due to any issue like depression, for example. When you’re not able to connect with your motivation, and when you’re not able to see reasons for recovery because of overwhelming negative feelings overall, this is something to address before you can start to see a way out.
Of course, you don’t have to be perfectly healed, happy, or self-actualized in order to recover, but you do have to see reasons to stop the behavior. You need to know at some level that binge eating is not what you want, and that it’s hurting you. You need to recognize that you do have the ability to override the urges when they arise, even if that takes some practice. Also, very importantly, you need to be willing to eat enough food. If you’re not, you’ll continue to feel like something is blocking you—that something is not enough nourishment.
There can be a tendency to think you must first do deep healing work for yourself and for your relationships before you can end this habit. And what I’ve said in response to X’s question and this question is that, yes, in your unique situation, there may be things you need to do to feel more ready for recovery. But try to be strategic about this so that you can figure out what you need to do, get to work on doing it, and then move on to getting some space and freedom from bingeing—because no one deserves to stay stuck there, no matter how hard life gets.
The journey of self-discovery, relationship work, and overall healing can go on forever, and that’s not a bad thing—because if we’re trying to live life well, I don’t think that journey ever stops. But the nightmare of bingeing can end much sooner than you think!
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Healing Your Relationship with Food, Yourself, and Others (Part IV)
This is Part 4 of a blog series that addresses healing your relationship with food, yourself, and others (I’m recording this as a podcast series as well, and what follows is a transcript of the episode). In Part 1 and Part 2, I talked about how binge eating and restrictive food behaviors can create a lot of disconnection in relationships—not just with others but with yourself as well—and can really interfere with your ability to care for yourself. I helped you explore how disordered eating may be intertwined with your own relationships, and I also talked about why it’s essential to separate your ability to avoid binge eating from how well or how poorly your relationships are going—because bingeing is never the solution to relationship problems.
In Part 3 of this series, I helped you explore how stopping bingeing, or even just making some progress in recovery, can create space in your life to address some of these relationship issues. I helped you see ways that you could start to reconnect with yourself and with the people around you. I shared some ways that you could start to build skills around repairing relationships and repairing your own self-worth.
Today in Part 4, I’ll be answering your questions about this topic. I invited my email subscribers to share their relationship-related concerns, and I received a big response. I’m so grateful to all of you who reached out with your honest and thoughtful questions. This blog post will be the first section of the Q&A, and then I’ll finish addressing the questions in the next post, which will be Part 5. Between these two Q&A blog posts, I’ll address nearly every question that I was sent, but I also group some questions together if they were very similar. Everything I share here will remain completely anonymous, I don’t give any identifying details. I’ll use only the first initial of the person who sent me the question, and as I give my answer, I’ll use the gender-specific language based on the actual person who sent me the question. It just so happened that for this batch of questions, partner relationships that were mentioned were only opposite gender couples, but I just want you to know that this advice can apply regardless of you or your partner’s gender or sexual orientation.
(If you want to be a part of any future Q&A episodes on various topics, I do encourage you to join my email list, and you can do that by signing up to get my Free Brain over Binge Inspiration Booklet. The Inspiration Booklet is a great way to get some motivation every day and also to reinforce what you’re learning by reading the blog or listening to the podcast).
Question 1: Hiding binge eating in a marriage or relationship
J shared the pain of lying about food and feeling like one more secret binge might ruin his long-term marriage. This situation really highlights how bingeing often continues even when the stakes feel extremely high. It’s not because you don’t love your partner (or whoever your behaviors are hurting), it’s because in the moment, the lower brain is not operating on your logic or on your true values—and it’s not even really thinking about love or connection.
The lower brain—when it’s encouraging you to binge—is operating in a very primal way. It’s urging you to perform a habit that it senses that you need, and in that moment, it makes you feel like you need it even more than you need the person that you love the most. J, you’re not alone here. I’ve definitely had the experience of getting so upset with myself because it seemed like even the things I loved the most didn’t stop me from performing this terrible habit. When we think about the higher brain and the lower brain and their different motivations and goals, it helps explain this and helps it to make sense.
So J, at the time when you’re wanting to binge, it’s important that you know that feeling like you don’t care about the consequences or about the person you love—this does not actually mean you don’t care. From your email, I know how much you care about your marriage and about your wife, and I hope that understanding the higher brain and the lower brain—in relation to habits and addictions—will help you forgive yourself for what can seem like you choosing food over your marriage. This is not really what you’re doing, but I know it can feel that way.
This understanding is something that you could possibly have a sensitive conversation with your wife about, so that she has a little more insight into what you’re going through, and hopefully she can see that your actions with food don’t have anything to do with your love for her. This is not to create any sort of justification for your behavior—because the goal is not just to understand your behavior and help others close to you understand it; the goal is to overcome it as well and stop letting it affect your life and your relationship. But sometimes this can take some time and practice, and it sounds like in your situation, it would be helpful not to always have to feel like you need to keep secrets.
Another thing that could be extremely helpful in your relationship, which you may already be doing, is to work on your own understanding of what she may be going through—in terms of acknowledging her pain surrounding this issue. As much as you can explain and try to help her understand that bingeing has nothing to do with your feelings for her, it’s really hard for someone in her situation to fully understand that—especially if they have never struggled with an addiction. The more you can try to empathize with her, the better. Also, if this feels doable, you can keep her informed about what you’re doing to heal and to solve the issue so that it is no longer creating problems in your relationship and causing her unintended pain. Sometimes this reassurance as far as what you’re doing in recovery is very helpful to a partner. It’s really a matter of trying to create as much mutual understanding as possible, with you each trying to better understand each other’s experiences, and it’s also about you continuing to take steps toward recovery.
I also want to give another perspective on this situation, and this one is tough to talk about, but it’s something that a lot of binge eaters or people with habits and addictions have to face. It’s important to understand that everyone does have a right to decide what they want to deal with in relationships. For example (and I talked about this in my book), my boyfriend—who became my husband during the time that I struggled with bingeing—would get very offended and hurt when I canceled plans with him or emotionally checked out due to the eating disorder. He had every right to decide that he didn’t want to be with someone who would frequently cancel plans or who would emotionally check out—even though I tried to explain that it was not about him— and I wouldn’t have blamed him if he decided that’s not what he wanted. In relationships, we truly have to give people the autonomy to decide what’s right for them, and that’s also part of loving someone.
If someone is not willing to walk that journey with you and decides to walk away, that does not mean that you’re unlovable. That does not mean you’re broken in relationships or that you won’t heal or find love again. I don’t want to dwell on this too much because I hope it’s not the case that anyone who’s listening has a relationship that ends because of this (if that relationship is desired). But I also don’t want anyone to see this as the end of the world if a relationship does end. People who struggle with addictions can and do lose people along the way, and they can still overcome the addiction, and they can still rise above the struggle, and they can still find other people to connect with.
I know the example I’m about to give is very different from talking about a long-term marriage, but in my own experience, there was a man in my life before my husband (who is now my ex-husband) who I loved very much and lost primarily due to the issues that the eating disorder caused. So speaking from that experience and also speaking as someone who’s now been through a divorce as well, I do know that it’s possible to rebuild your life after an eating disorder and after divorce as well. I just wanted to mention that possibility instead of glossing over it, because I really sense the fear in your email that your relationship may end. While I would love to say that everything is going to be fine in your marriage, and once you create that understanding, there’ll be no more issues—there’s no guarantee of that because you can only control what you can control, and that is your side of the street. You ultimately can’t control what she’s going to choose, but I want you to know that you can absolutely recover either way. So do your best to build that connection and create that understanding while also acknowledging and honoring that you and your wife have to decide what’s best for you—not only as a couple but as individuals as well.
Question 2: Family and romantic relationship overvaluing appearance
T described decades of dealing with her husband and family’s fixation on weight and appearance, and she talked about how this affects her eating in a negative way. She described her husband making comments about her appearance over the years and that leading her to wanting to lose weight out of spite, or on the other hand, to eat whatever she wanted to rebel. She also described not wanting to wear certain clothing around her parents because of their tendency to make weight comments.
I know so many of you reading can relate, and I think it’s really important for anyone who can relate to just take a deep breath and have compassion for yourself for having to deal with this. It’s not your fault. You did not ask for this, and it’s okay to wish the people closest to you were different. However, it’s also vital to realize that you can’t wait for others to change in order to do what’s best for you and your health and wellbeing. It absolutely can be important to talk about boundaries and what you might say or do to try to get others to treat you with more respect—or maybe even avoid certain people if possible. But more importantly for recovery itself is to fully acknowledge that you absolutely can avoid binges regardless of the comments or opinions of others, and you absolutely can eat adequately regardless of the comments or opinions of others.
There are two recovery goals of the Brain over Binge approach—to dismiss the urges to binge and to eat adequately—and it’s so empowering to realize that even if others are acting in a way that you wish they wouldn’t, you can keep pursuing those two goals. This is not you accepting poor behavior from others, this is you taking responsibility for your own healing—no matter what—and not letting others throw you off track. Of course it’s not ideal for others to be making these type of comments, but I want you to see that someone could say a terribly mean thing to you regarding your weight—and you can still dismiss the urge to binge. Someone can say something that makes you feel like your appearance determines your worth—and you can still avoid restriction and eat adequately.
Now, those two recovery goals may feel more challenging when it seems like everyone else is against you, but even so, it’s very helpful to understand that trying to make others approve of you or trying to change other people’s behavior—that’s just not a primary goal of binge eating recovery because it puts the power in someone else’s hands. You can acknowledge that these comments make it more challenging for you, you can acknowledge that that connection with relationships is there—without thinking that other people’s comments represent an inevitable force.
Actually, knowing that you have this connection can help you in recovery because when you know your patterns, and you know your triggers, it helps you be prepared for them. If you know that comments from others tend to give you urges to binge or urges to restrict, you can go into those situations with increased awareness and a plan—or alternately, you can decide to avoid some people (if possible) because that simply makes things easier for you. Something that I think is really important to realize is that you’ll never make everyone happy with your food choices or your weight. It’s like that with so many things in life; it just seems like someone is always going to be disappointed in you regardless of what you choose, or how you look, or how much you weigh. That’s why it’s just so much healthier and more peaceful just to do what you feel is best for you—without trying to please others or jump through hoops to try to avoid their negative comments.
As far as what’s actually best for you, that may be something that’s challenging for you right now to even try to determine, especially if you’ve spent so long eating in response to other people’s expectations or opinions. But a good starting point in determining what’s best for you is—to remind yourself that you absolutely know for sure that binge eating and harmful restrictive practices are not what is best for you. Then you can start to ask yourself curious questions such as: If I only had me to consider, how would I want to be eating every day? How would I want to nourish my body if no one had an opinion? How would I want to exercise if no one ever made a comment? Then start practicing eating and exercising in that way that makes you feel good—and accept that you might receive some comments from others in your life. These comments are much easier to manage once you feel like you’re in your own integrity and doing what’s best for you.
If other people make comments or try to pressure you, you can practice some simple responses to let them know that you’re on your own path. You can say something as simple as: I’m learning to nourish and care for my body in a way that works for me, and I’m starting to feel so much better. Even if you have a response like this planned, it still can be challenging to sit with the feeling of someone else being disappointed in you or disapproving of your body or your eating habits—especially if you’ve spent so much time in people pleasing mode. But the discomfort of someone else being disappointed is so much more bearable than the discomfort of harming yourself with bingeing or restricting.
And like I mentioned, you’re also allowed to create space away from people—even the ones you love the most—who make you feel unworthy. T, I understand this may be very challenging in what you said is a 30 year marriage, where the assumption would be that you’re living together and eating together often. But even if you can create a little bit of space or set some boundaries in certain moments, it can help you get in touch with what you need and what you want—without any negative influences. I’ll also say here that if any criticism becomes unbearable and you’ve clearly told your spouse or any other person that you’re doing what’s best and healthiest for you (by nourishing yourself and learning to eat in a way that works for you), then this is a huge signal that this person may not have your best interest at heart. If this is the case, you may need to seek more support in determining your next steps to remove yourself from certain relationships that don’t support your health and wellbeing.
Question 3: Navigating recovery privately
K shared that her marriage does not feel strong enough for open conversations about binge eating disorder, so she’s doing recovery on her own while raising young children. She feels sharing her struggle with her husband would make things more stressful and shameful. She’s in therapy and has chosen to share her eating disorder only with close friends. She’s wondering how to handle recovery in secret and also how to deal with the demands that the eating disorder and recovery places on her time while raising children.
First K, I want to say that if this feels best for you, and you think that managing recovery privately feels healthier than telling your husband, then this is absolutely a valid choice. This goes for anyone trying to recover. You don’t have to tell your spouse or anyone else in order to stop bingeing. You can own that choice about who to tell and who not to tell, and then move on to focusing on doing what you need to do to recover. One thing to be aware of when you decide that someone might not be supportive enough to share your struggle with is that the lower brain may actually use that to try to encourage bingeing. You may have some thoughts like: well, if my partner was more supportive and I could tell him, then I’d be able to stop bingeing. Or your thoughts may say: you don’t have anyone to support you right now, so you might as well binge. These types of thoughts can really keep you stuck. Not only are they untrue—because like you said, you have some supportive friends, and there are also so many online resources (like the Brain over Binge group for example), that can provide support in the moment—but these lower brain thoughts are those primal automatic messages that just serve to perpetuate the habit.
Realize that you’ve chosen not to tell your husband for reasons that make sense to you and then move on to learning to dismiss the urges and eat adequately—dismissing any justification your brain gives you for giving into the urge. Although getting support from whoever you want to share this with is helpful, know that recovery is ultimately a deeply personal thing—when it comes to facing the decision to binge or not binge in the moment, and only you can make that decision. When you know that and you own that, it frees you up to gather the support of the people who you do find supportive and that you trust, but then it allows you to shift the power back to yourself. You can focus on what you can control and focus on keeping your commitments to yourself.
As far as how to handle recovery privately, the good news is that—if you think of recovery in terms of those two basic goals that I talked about (dismissing the urges to binge and eating adequately)—there isn’t too much privacy that’s necessary. Yes, there may be things you’re doing like talking to your friends about the issue, or going to therapy, or maybe journaling that you do feel you want to keep from your husband, and that’s understandable. But when you think of the day-to-day absolute necessities in recovery of eating enough food and not bingeing—those are things that can be done completely out in the open. In reality, it’s really the bingeing that needs privacy to survive.
As far as your concern about the time you spend on the eating disorder interfering with or taking away time from your children, I completely understand your concern. This highlights what I’ve been talking about in this blog series about eating disorder interfering with even the most important relationships in your life. Know that you’re not alone in this, and I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job as a mom despite any time that the eating disorder is taking away. I promise that even without an eating disorder, I feel like I’m falling short nearly every day in the amount of time I’m able to devote to my kids, and I know so many parents feel the same—just with the demands that life places on them. Parenting is a really tough job and from your email, I know that you’re showing up every day and trying to do what’s best for them even with the issues that you’re struggling with, and that’s commendable.
My advice here would be to let this concern help serve as a motivation to do what you need to do to recover. You don’t need to beat yourself up for any time that you’ve lost with them, but going forward, every day that you don’t binge notice how much more time and energy you get back. Really celebrate that and really notice how you’re able to devote that time and energy to what’s important to you. This will encourage you to keep going, and it will help you start to see a future version of you who is not at all consumed by the eating disorder. This future version of you will not be parenting perfectly—because none of us do—but you’ll simply be parenting without this distraction and without this source of pain.
Question 4: Bingeing as a way to check out or self-sabotage
B described bingeing to punish herself or “check out” when she feels badly about herself, especially when she’s not meeting her body goals. This is a question about the relationship with yourself. When it comes to your relationship with yourself, the most empowering thing to know here at the outset is that you can feel any way you feel about yourself and still not binge. And I know I say this a lot, but you cannot always control how you feel about yourself, and it gives you so much freedom when you realize that your ability to avoid a binge does not have to depend on the thoughts that are in your own head about yourself. Your ability to avoid a binge also does not have to depend on the way you look or how you feel about yourself.
The solution to stopping bingeing is not to meet all of your body goals. The solution to stopping bingeing is not to be so perfect that you never feel like punishing yourself. The solution is not to have an inner and outer life so fulfilling that you never want to check out from it. You can want to check out and still not binge. You can hate yourself and still not binge. Are those ideal states to be in? Absolutely not. But not bingeing is always a more ideal state to be in than bingeing. We’re human, we’re not going to be perfect. Our bodies are not always going to look the way we want them to look. We aren’t always going to be fulfilled, or having fun, or feeling content within ourselves or within our relationships, and we can still say no to the urges to harm ourselves with bingeing or restricting.
When you fully realize that—that’s when you can really start to build a good relationship with yourself. You start to realize that you can trust yourself to take care of yourself even in your lowest moments, and that can bring you so much peace. Taking care of yourself does not mean pampering yourself, or massages, or those more flashy and sometimes unrealistic versions of self-care; but you can simply care of yourself by not hurting yourself—by not flipping into that “screw it” or “I don’t care” mindset that encourages harmful actions that you later regret. If you haven’t listened already, I encourage you to listen to Episode 181: You Do Care and You Do Deserve Recovery. In that episode, coach Julie and I talked about binge eating as self-punishment or not thinking you’re worthy of recovery based on how you feel about yourself.
While I’m talking about self-care, I want to say that—in the moment of urges—it may feel like some warped version of self-care to just give in to the urge and binge because in the moment, it does seem to reduce stress by turning off the urge. But when has that ever truly made you feel better, or made you feel better about yourself on the other side? I don’t want you feeling bad about yourself, but I also really want you to accept that there are people in this world that feel bad about themselves and don’t binge. Feeling bad about yourself does not cause bingeing. Feeling better about yourself does not cure bingeing. I can’t tell you how much this realization has helped me in my life because there have definitely been times in my life since recovery that I’ve felt simply awful about myself.
I had this faulty idea that the choice was either to binge or to do things to make myself feel better/make myself feel better about myself—by striving, or trying to reach goals, or working on myself, or even soothing myself in some way. I feel like this set bingeing up to seem like the preferable choice in the moments of an urge—because all of that other stuff seemed too hard and overwhelming in that moment. The idea of continuing to strive or continuing to try to be perfect—to try to make myself feel better about myself—felt way too exhausting and insurmountable while dealing with that desire to binge. And also, when you’re feeling driven toward an addiction, the object of the addiction is the only thing that truly feels like it will soothe you, because it’s the only thing that’s going to make those urges go away. Alternate soothing activities never felt appealing to me when I wanted to binge.
I really needed to give myself permission to just be in the moment—without having any expectations of myself, except to not binge. I didn’t need to strive. I didn’t need to self-soothe. I could just be with whatever was there and handle it in the best way I could—even if that didn’t look like self-improvement or self-soothing. You can give up on your other goals—in the moment or even altogether—and not binge. You can take a break from trying to be perfect without bingeing. You can avoid work that you really need to do without bingeing. You can rest, you can check out from the world, you can avoid people—all without bingeing. Please don’t make it a choice between being perfect or bingeing.
When you don’t live up to the expectations you have for yourself, you might not be happy with yourself for being unproductive sometimes, or giving up sometimes, or checking out sometimes; but you’ll be so happy that you did all of those things without harming yourself. When you give yourself that permission not to be perfect without bingeing, you start to build a better relationship with yourself.
Question 5: Triggers from emotional conversations and unresolved trauma
A shared a problem with being triggered by difficult conversations with others, which leads into binge eating and also stopping her healthy behaviors. She gave an example of a painful talk with her brother about family trauma and this conversation led to months of bingeing and losing touch with her running routine.
A, I am very sorry that you’re dealing with these issues, and I know how hard it can be. I want to address this from a relationship standpoint, but I also want to give you some things in regard to the emotional aspect. As everyone knows who is familiar with my books, blog or podcast, I do not believe it’s necessary to resolve all of your emotional pain in order to stop bingeing. But when you do have that strong emotional connection there, it’s important to take a look at it and understand your own patterns.
I did several episodes on this emotional connection, and I’m going to link them here: Episode 39: Emotional Attachment to Bingeing, Episode 134: Recovery in Emotionally Challenging Times, and Episode 151: Emotional Not Eating. I hope that those episodes will help you and guide you in relation to the more emotional aspect of this question.
About the relational aspect of this, some of the same advice that I gave to T earlier—about still being able to stay on track with your recovery regardless of others’ comments or opinions—that advice applies here as well. But the comments and opinions in T’s question were in regard to appearance, weight, and food. The difference in this question is that the comments you’re talking about are in relation to deeply emotional things. However, just like with the weight comments, sometimes we can’t control what others will say and we don’t want to feel powerless in those situations. We need to learn to stay true to what’s best for us regardless of what other people are doing.
Just knowing that certain conversations can trigger your urges is very helpful. This is a first step toward choosing a different path in those situations. A brain that is hooked on bingeing perceives bingeing as a form of pleasure and will often encourage you to seek that pleasure more in times of pain than in times of happiness (although people can and do have binge urges and binge in good times and during positive experiences as well). If it helps you, you can acknowledge that in the past, you may have felt like you had no other option in these traumatic situations and following the urges became well-ingrained. But also acknowledge that bingeing is not serving you in the present and any pleasure or distraction it provides is absolutely no longer worth it to you. Plus, binge eating has never truly helped you solve these family issues.
When you’re aware, and you know that talking about the trauma or having difficult conversations will trigger the urges, you can be better prepared and implement everything you know about dismissing urges in those situations. Something to motivate you is to think about the fact that when you dismiss the urges in these difficult situations, you’re actually giving yourself a chance to learn to actually do things that will truly help you and truly help you heal. Binge eating is not helping you heal—it’s hurting you, and acting on the urges is getting in the way of your healing. Also know that if you find it really hard to separate from the urges in these moments, it’s okay to protect yourself as much as possible—especially early in recovery, until you gain some confidence as much as possible. You can avoid putting yourself in situations that difficult conversations are going to come up. You’re not obligated to process painful family dynamics just because someone else wants to.
You can protect your peace, and that doesn’t mean you have to pretend the trauma never happened; but it may help you to recognize that there may only be certain times and spaces that you are able to talk about it. Trauma-informed therapy can be a big help in allowing you to determine when, where, and how you can process that trauma safely. If there are times when you know that the conversation can’t be avoided, you can do some visualization practice to see yourself being successful. You can see yourself having this difficult conversation then experiencing urges (because of the habit) and then dismissing them—and using whatever coping tools you have for dealing with that trauma. And again, therapy can be a great resource for that. When you visualize yourself being successful in those situations, it can give you more confidence for when it happens in real life—because you’ve already seen yourself successfully navigate it, so it feels less intimidating.
One thing to keep in mind is the importance of proper nourishment in these type of emotionally-charged situations. If there’s any restriction going on, it’s going to make the connection between trauma and bingeing so much worse. If the body and brain are deprived and there’s an emotional trigger which results in those automatic urges to eat, and you follow some of those urges to eat in sort of an emotional way—the lower brain can see this as an opportunity to get as much food as possible, and then bingeing results. Basically, making sure that you’re avoiding restriction can help any emotional eating that you may find yourself engaging in so much less harmful and so much less likely to lead to binge eating. There’s a lot of talk about the connection of emotions to bingeing, but a lot of the time what can happen is there is restriction going on, and then there’s some emotion that leads to an initial urge to go off of that restrictive diet and indulge with some comfort eating. But with a deprived body and brain, this comfort eating quickly results in a completely out of control binge.
It’s so helpful and necessary to take restriction completely out of the equation. When you know that you’re nourished well, then you know any urges that arise due to this habitual link between trauma and bingeing are from habit, and you put yourself in a great position to dismiss those urges. And even if you find yourself engaging in some comfort eating or distracted emotional eating, you can consciously choose a stopping point and never let it turn into a binge.
Question 6: Boundaries around triggering environments, trips and events
C described a cruise with her father where constant food and social pressure led to severe bingeing and health issues and she’s now anxious about an upcoming cruise. So the first thing I want to say, C, is that fear of bingeing is very understandable. I know that it’s not comfortable, but you can also see this fear as a sign that you do not want to repeat the same experience, and that’s powerful. If you’re scared of something happening, it shows that that something—which in this case is bingeing—is not something that you truly desire in your life. Otherwise you would not be afraid of it.
I know it can be tempting to ruminate in that fear, but I want to challenge you to look at that fear and ask yourself how you can avoid that same thing happening again. You want to use that fearful energy—not to make yourself miserable—but to plan ahead and focus on preventing the thing you’re afraid of (a binge) from happening. Just because you binged on a cruise one time does not mean you have to do it again. You can definitely do things differently. I’m going to focus solely on a cruise situation, but you can use this advice for any trip that you have planned.
I’ve never been on a cruise, but my understanding is that there’s nearly constant access to food if you want it. There could also be drinking, which could exacerbate your desires if you’re someone who binges more often when drinking. Now, as you know, recovery comes down to those two goals of eating adequately and dismissing urges to binge, so planning for any trip that you’re taking involves asking yourself: how do I plan to eat adequately during this trip? and how do I plan to dismiss urges to binge? I did a podcast episode specifically about vacations and travel (Episode 46: Q&A: How Do I Stay Binge-Free on Vacation or on a Holiday?). That episode will help you with more of the planning, but since this episode is about relationships, I’m going to focus more specifically on that in answering your question.
If you’re traveling with others, there could be pressure to eat when they eat or eat foods that they eat—even if those foods don’t work for you. There’s also the social setting to consider where you might constantly be seeing other people eating, and it could be tempting to want to try everything. Something that could relate here was a podcast that I did on the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, and I think that could be something to utilize here: Episode 168: My Take: Using Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” Theory to Help You Stop Binge Eating and Break Other Harmful Habits. The way the Let Them Theory relates is that it can help you understand that your cruise experience is about focusing on what is best for you, and then letting others do what is best for them without the comparison.
You may need to communicate your needs to the person that you’re traveling with, as far as setting some expectations about when you may need to eat, or what you may need to eat, or what you may need to avoid. Like I said in an earlier answer, if anyone pushes back or criticizes you for doing what’s right for you—that you’re clearly saying is your healthiest path—then you really should reevaluate whether this is someone you can travel with or be in a relationship with if they don’t have your best interest at heart.
Another aspect of viewing this from a relationship standpoint is that the socialization could be a great opportunity to focus on things other than food. So as you plan your trip, yes, consider how you’re going to nourish yourself and support yourself in recovery, but also plan for all of the other things you want to do and all of the other people you want to enjoy this trip with. Try to get excited about spending time with people you care about, or meeting new people, or having new experiences. Eating is absolutely a part of those plans and it’s a part of socialization sometimes, and it’s great to be excited about your food. It’s great to look forward to eating. It’s great to allow food, but it’s not the whole picture on a trip. The more you can learn to just eat, enjoy it, and then redirect your focus to your life and to other things, and to people, the smoother the trip will be and the more you’ll appreciate the experience.
Question 7: Fear around parties and “last binge” thinking
A described how the anticipation of parties triggers binges—either in the form of restricting before the event and then going crazy at the event, or bingeing beforehand and eating way too much at the event (with the thought of, I’ll just stop after the party). Some of the same advice I gave about the cruise applies here as well, and some of the advice I’m going to give in this question also applies to the cruise question, but I wanted to address this as a separate question because it brings up some good things to consider.
The reality is that—whether we’re talking about a trip or a party—food and social events often mix. A lot of social events include tempting food, and as you’re stopping binge eating, you need to navigate this. I know it can seem appealing to have a vision of yourself not even thinking about food in these situations and only focusing on the people, but I want you to have realistic expectations for yourself. I want you to realize that even normal eaters think about tempting food more often on a cruise or at a party that includes a lot of those tempting foods than they do on normal days. Yes, it absolutely may be more pronounced in your own mind because of past restriction and the bingeing habit, but try not to expect yourself to avoid food thoughts or food noise completely in relation to these events. This is simply part of being human and enjoying pleasurable experiences.
Something to consider is that a lot of people have these event-related food thoughts in a very positive way, where they are looking forward to the amazing food they’re going to eat at the event and they’re excited about it. I want you to start to see that as an available option to you as well, but it’s okay if you don’t feel like you’re quite there yet. In any situation like this—whether it’s a cruise, party, or something similar—try to realize that you may eat more than you usually eat. You may possibly eat more unhealthy foods than you usually eat, and that’s okay too. Try to eat in the least restrictive way that’s possible for you in any given situation or event. Allow yourself the food you enjoy while still eating in a way that feels aligned with who you are and what you want—and that doesn’t tip into harmful bingeing behaviors. If there are truly foods that you feel you need to avoid to support yourself, avoid them without shame or self-judgment.
Try not to expect perfection from yourself at these events because it can really make things worse. If you go in with an unrealistic expectation of eating perfectly and then you don’t follow those unrealistic expectations, you may slip into that “all is lost, I failed, I might as well eat everything in sight and start tomorrow” mindset. All you’re trying to do at any party or event is make reasonable food decisions and not binge. When you think about food decisions for these events, just try to keep it somewhere between restriction and harmful overindulgence, and if you’re doing that, you’re doing great. If your lower brain wants to keep directing your attention toward the food, just try to have compassion for yourself. Understand that at some level focusing on food is normal—especially when there’s a lot of tempting food around—but keep reminding yourself that food is not the highest priority for you.
Remind yourself that it’s not really you that wants to focus on the food all the time. It’s just that lower brain being pleasure seeking and opportunistic. Just keep redirecting to other things and people, and try to enjoy the food and move on. It’s so much easier to do this when you nourish yourself leading up to this event and after the event as well. If it’s a party, the event is likely just one meal, so you need to eat your other meals and snacks during the day in a way that works for you. There’s no one exact formula for everyone and planning events like this is a great way to use one-on-one coaching or group coaching.
Another thing when considering these social events is to realize that no matter how well or not well it goes socially, that does not have to affect your ability to avoid a binge. Really come to terms with the fact that you can have a terrible time at the event—and still not binge. Leaving the event might be an option if you’re having a terrible time, but if leaving is not an option, remind yourself that you’re going to feel so much better when you can leave if you leave with your integrity—knowing that you did your best to eat in a reasonable way (not a perfect way), and that you avoided harming yourself with a binge.
The last thing I want to mention is that it can be helpful to have a plan for after the event—in terms of what you’ll eat next and possibly what you’ll do to decompress from the event—especially if you’re someone who finds social events anxiety-provoking. Even if you’re someone who loves socializing and you have an amazing time, you might still just need some time to yourself to do nothing after you leave the party. Maybe you want to just watch TV and check out for a little while, maybe you want to go home and have some soothing tea, maybe you want to go straight to bed, but just remind yourself that binge eating is never a solution to decompressing after a party.
Question 8: Chronic low self-esteem, even after recovery
A said that she wants to know more about the connection between eating issues and self-esteem—because even in recovery, she still finds that her self-esteem is low. She said the difference now is that she no longer punishes herself or soothes herself with food. This is very relatable and it’s a good reminder that you cannot wait to have a good self-esteem to stop bingeing. A, you are taking massive steps toward better health, and I’m so glad to hear that you’re in recovery and I hope that you’re proud of yourself. Just that feeling of pride from stopping this harmful behavior can be enough to start to move the needle just a little bit in a positive direction in the area of self-esteem, but if your self-esteem still feels low even a while after recovery, the question becomes—now what?
As much as I can remind you that you do not need a good self-esteem to stop bingeing or to stay binge free, that doesn’t mean I want you to just live with low self-esteem. I want you to start building your self-esteem, and a good place to start is by noticing any way—even if it seems really small—that you do feel better about yourself now that you’re binge free. You can write these things down, you can start a list, you can really start to seek out the good in relation to how you feel about yourself. I don’t know if this is happening or not for you A, but early in recovery—while the lower brain is still fighting to keep the binge eating habit alive—you may have thoughts that point out all of the negative things in your life or within yourself, as a way of encouraging you to binge. You may have thoughts like: I still don’t like myself for this or that reason, so what’s the point of recovery?
It seems like you’re doing great dismissing those thoughts and not letting them lead to binges, but what those thoughts can often do is make you not notice the progress you are making in terms of your self-esteem. Those thoughts are constantly pointing out the negative—and because the lower brain is so loud in pointing out those negatives—you may have to consciously find and focus on the positive. Try to notice and really savor all of the positive effects that recovery has on your self-esteem. Now that you’re not bingeing, you can ask yourself: How are you learning to care about yourself? How has the strength you’ve shown to stop bingeing made you feel about yourself? In what ways are you proud of yourself each day that you don’t binge or restrict?
Those questions are in relation to recovery itself, but you can also think outside of recovery. You can start really small—just notice when you exhibit a positive characteristic, notice when someone is kind to you, notice when you’re kind to yourself, notice when you accomplish even something that may seem insignificant—and generate some feelings of pride in yourself.
Also, something that can help with self-esteem that seems a little counterintuitive is to redirect attention away from yourself. In talking about self-esteem, we tend to be self-focused, which is of course a valuable endeavor; but sometimes the best way to build our own self-esteem is to do something for someone else—to compliment someone else, to give to someone in need, or just to connect with someone you care about. Also, notice things you enjoy out in the world—notice hobbies that you like, notice what you like out in nature, notice the times, places, and situations where you do feel good about yourself and then try to make more of those experiences.
Question 9: When healing from your eating disorder reveals that you’re in the wrong relationship
K described the difficult realization that she may have chosen her partner during the fog of the eating disorder. Now that she’s clearer and healthier, she sees the problems in the relationship more plainly and wonders what to do. Although this is an extremely difficult realization, it’s always better to have clarity than to be living in a fog, even if that clarity brings with it some painful realizations. This was something I felt personally affected my own journey with relationships as well, and K, I want to tell you that there is simply no easy answer here; but even opening up about it puts you in a position to start to explore what’s right for you.
You should be so proud of yourself for overcoming the eating disorder and becoming healthier, and the fact that you now get to work on improving your life in other ways is a very good thing. You can develop so much strength and empathy from going through this process of determining if a relationship can continue into the future. A good way to start is just by taking a sort of inventory of the issues that you find problematic—and take an inventory of your own feelings as well. Then, you can start to seek support in determining the right path. Ask yourself if you can see the relationship growing with you as a recovered person. Couples therapy or individual therapy can be a great source of support as you make these decisions, and relationship coaching is a great option too. As I’ve said in prior parts of this series, this is something I now offer. I got a certification in relationship coaching, so I could help you with these issues either in addition to getting coaching on binge eating recovery or as a separate goal. If you do want to talk about relationships in a session with me, just book a normal one-on-one session, and then when you fill out your questionnaire, just mention whatever you want to talk about. Of course, I’m not the only option here—there are many relationship coaches, but the idea is just to seek the support that feels right for you.
Sometimes the dynamics that arise between two people when one is struggling and at a really low state, make it so that those two people are really not well suited for each other. I’ll try to explain this from my own experience. I know that when I was struggling with bingeing, I felt so unlovable for so long that it really made me vulnerable to get into a relationship too quickly. When someone made me feel worthy for the first time in a long time, I think that made me gloss over some things—and not to sound too cliche, but it made me ignore some red flags, or at least minimize them. I should have been getting validation from myself and not being so quick to outsource it to someone else, and although that relationship did somehow work and lasted a very long time—even after the eating disorder—the problems between us eventually became unmanageable and we divorced.
There are so many ways that being in that low state of the eating disorder can possibly interfere with healthy relationship dynamics, and the outcome of breaking up or divorcing is not inevitable, because every couple and every person is different. An important thing is not to beat yourself up over your past choices. You were simply doing the best you could at the time that you got into the relationship, and although it may be a loss if this relationship ends—and you can allow yourself to grieve that—there’s no need to add shame to yourself for your past choices. So many of us have done this while caught up in an eating disorder, and honestly, so many of us have done this just in life without an eating disorder—as far as not necessarily making the most rational decisions when it comes to relationships. Relationships are of course highly emotional, and it’s easy to look back once those emotions have settled and think more clearly. But honor your past self, and realize that your past self was caught up in emotions, and forgive yourself for any decisions that you made that you now think weren’t the right decisions.
We all go through phases where one relationship seems like the right one, but then life circumstances and changes within ourselves make it no longer seem right as time goes by. This doesn’t mean the relationship was a failure and may mean the relationship has simply served its purpose for both of you and now it no longer does. It does not have to make anyone right or wrong, and there is a place for letting go with love, kindness, respect, and gratitude for the time together. That does not mean it’s going to be easy to leave—if that’s the decision you end up making, and it may not even be possible to leave right now depending on many factors like kids or finances. But for now, know that you don’t have to make all those decisions right away and allow yourself to just feel and acknowledge that the relationship no longer feels right. Stay in that feeling for a while if you need to—without pressuring yourself to make those life-altering decisions.
But when you feel ready, gradually start turning towards solutions—whether that’s to try to rebuild a new version of this relationship by being open with your partner and working together to make it fit in your life now, or whether the solution is to end the relationship.
Question 10: Honesty in relationships and how much should you share
M is in a loving and supportive relationship and wants to know how much to open up to him and how to open up to him—especially regarding the aftermath of a binge and how it affects her, and how it affects how she shows up in their relationship. In this situation, it seems like M’s husband already knows some of the struggle as far as the bingeing and M is deciding whether or not to go deeper to help him have a better understanding of how her behavior changes after binges. She’s worried about the shame that she’ll feel for sharing more details and in her own words, she’s also worrying about “sounding insane.”
I addressed a question earlier in this post about someone who decided not to share with their partner, but M does want to share with her partner, and I hope this helps you see that there is so much nuance here and there’s no right or wrong about how open you have to be. It’s all about what feels right for you, based on your values and what you feel will be the most supportive to your own recovery and your relationship. What I’ll say here in response to M is that—when it comes to such a deeply personal struggle like bingeing—you don’t need to explain every tiny detail to be honest and to help him understand. It’s okay to balance your desire to share with your desire to protect yourself and not open yourself up to feeling an extreme amount of shame or embarrassment.
As a little aside here about feeling like you’ll “sound insane,” I wanted to mention that when I published Brain over Binge six years after my own recovery, and I still remember feeling like that. I can relate so much; I felt like everyone I knew was going to read it and think I was insane. Even though the behavior was way in the past for me, I remember feeling some shame and embarrassment knowing that my friends and my family members were going to know the details of my struggle. So, you’re definitely not broken for wanting to keep some of this private—this is something that affects anyone who struggles with something like this. About the book and about the shame I felt, that has definitely faded over time. It’s been 20 years since my recovery, so in a lot of ways it does feel like a lifetime ago, but I don’t want you to think something is wrong with you if you have some shame surrounding this, and it is okay to protect yourself.
Just take some time to think about what you are comfortable sharing at this point or what you feel like might be necessary to support the relationship. Also think about what he might be willing and able to receive at this point. You can start small and then gradually share more over time if you find that it does go well and that it’s helpful and supportive for you. Basically, it does not have to be full transparency all at once. Something else you can keep in mind as you worry about feeling “insane” (which you are definitely not) is that there are certain ways that you can explain the struggle in a way that makes it seem more understandable. There’s a lot of science behind this—science that I share in the book about why food deprivation leads to out-of-control eating, and why out-of-control eating becomes habitual, and about the physiological effects that eating that much food has on you.
It doesn’t make you broken. A lot of this is based on very natural, but primitive mechanisms of our brain that get conditioned in harmful ways. Most people can absolutely understand getting hooked on something that may be pleasurable in some way, but that’s also not good for you. I’m sure there’s something in your husband’s life that he had a habit surrounding that he could relate to your struggle. Most people have moments in their life where they feel driven to do something that they regret, and most people can relate to struggles with food. Even though other people’s struggles may not be to the extent that it is with bingeing, everyone can relate to not being perfect with food.
Thank you so much to everyone who submitted a question. Your willingness to share made this post possible and helped others see that they are not alone. I hope the advice I shared gave you some useful guidance to navigate the issues that you’re dealing with. If you want more help as you end binge eating and work on any related challenges, you can get one-on-one coaching or join the group for personalized support.
Quick and Practical Advice to Help You Stop Binge Eating (Part VI)
I am continuing my blog series to provide quick inspiration and practical advice about a variety of issues that may come up for you in binge eating recovery. (You can read additional advice in Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, and Part V)
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A “small binge” or overeating?
When you eat more than you think you should, or eat until you’re too full, do you find yourself wondering if it was a “small binge”?
It’s not usually helpful to think of overeating episodes as “small binges,” because this can lead you to feel guilty or like you’ve failed for engaging in behaviors that even normal eaters engage in.
Overeating could be something you want to work on, but when you lump it into the same category as bingeing, it can make you feel like you have to get your eating perfect every time to avoid a “binge.” This can create unnecessary stress and pressure and can lead to a restrictive mindset around food.
For more help with overeating, you can read a 3-part blog series at BrainoverBinge.com/Overeating/
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Out of touch with hunger and fullness?
“Feelings of hunger and fullness are the signals that nature intended to guide eating; however, for recovering binge eaters, using these signals is often a skill that comes in time.” -The Brain over Binge Recovery Guide, pg. 239
If you don’t feel in touch with your hunger and fullness right now, you are not alone, and this doesn’t have to prevent you from making progress toward recovery.
When you restrict food and/or binge, it interferes with natural appetite mechanisms, and it can take some time for your system to regulate.
Deliberately eating adequately, day by day, allows the primary cues for eating to reemerge. Sometimes this happens quickly, sometimes it’s a very gradual process, but if you keep going, you’ll eventually reconnect with your appetite!
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It’s okay to “not know”
“Become comfortable with not knowing” – Eckhart Tolle
Something that may be holding you back from ending binge eating is “not knowing”…
Not knowing what your life will look like after you quit.
Not knowing what your weight will be.
Not knowing who you’ll be without the eating disorder.
Not knowing how you’ll fill your time.
Not knowing exactly how you’ll eat.
To encourage yourself to take the leap into the unknown, remind yourself what you do know – that the eating disorder is harmful, that it’s keeping you from a full life, that’s it’s hurting your health, your relationships, your career, and more.
The unknown of recovery is more comfortable than the known pain of the binge eating. And as you walk through the unknown, you’ll have a chance to learn about yourself, to discover how you want to spend your time, to allow your body to heal, and to learn how to eat in a way that works for you.
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Boredom is better than bingeing
Do your thoughts tell you that life without binge eating will be boring? Do these thoughts convince you to keep binge eating to avoid boredom?
To help you see this in a new way, I want you to imagine someone you care about. Now imagine that person asking you if they should engage in a harmful behavior to avoid boredom. What would you advise them? Would you tell them the harmful behavior is better than being bored, and better than trying to find other things to do?
Of course not!
But that is exactly what the lower brain’s faulty logic is convincing you to do when it comes to binge eating.
If you ask anyone who has recovered (including myself), they will tell you that a binge-free life is NOT a boring life. Even if you have a hard time believing that right now, isn’t boredom better than the pain binge eating causes? There are gifts in boredom, it creates space for rest, and space for you to discover who you are and what you want for your life.
If you are using the Brain over Binge course, you can listen to a thorough discussion of this in the 5th Q&A track on the Q&A page titled “What if life without binge eating seems boring?” (Get the Brain over Binge Course for only $18.99 per month)
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Developing self-trust
“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
When you struggle with binge eating, I know that it can be tempting to look outside of yourself for the perfect meal plan or exercise regimen. It may feel easier for someone else to tell you exactly what to eat (and of course there are times when this is helpful and medically necessary on a temporary basis), but to have freedom with food, it’s important to take steps toward trusting your own body and preferences.
Once you learn to trust yourself, there is no more second guessing your every food choice. You simply decide, eat, and move on (and get feedback from your body that may help you with future decisions). You can start practicing this at any meal or snack! Empower yourself to make the best (imperfect) food decision you can in the moment, and then dismiss all of the brain chatter that tells you that you’re “wrong.”
If you aren’t there yet, have compassion for yourself and get support when you need it, but start to build that self-trust muscle as much as you can, because it will serve you for the rest of your life.
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5 eating habits that are not bingeing
5 ways of eating that are not binge eating:
1. Eating when you’re not hungry (Life doesn’t always line up with our appetite cues)
2. Celebratory meals (It’s normal to eat more than usual on special occasions)
3. Eating fast food/highly processed food (Sometimes we don’t have access to or time for better food)
4. Snacking (A binge is an abnormally large amount of food, not a snack)
5. Having dessert (If you saw someone else having dessert, would you consider it a binge?)
Asking yourself if you’d consider it a binge if someone else was eating that way helps you avoid having an overly broad definition of a binge. When you “over-define” binge eating, it creates unhealthy perfectionism. I never want you to think you’ve “failed” if you eat in these 5 very normal ways. Sure, any of these 5 habits could become unhealthy if overdone, but right now you are focused on ending the binge eating…you are not trying to eat perfectly!
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Think only “future you” can recover?
Do you find yourself believing that you’ll be more capable of recovery in the future? Do you think that after a certain event, or obligation, or birthday/holiday passes, then you’ll be ready to end the habit?
You are not alone in having these thoughts! Even if you can point to future factors that you truly believe will set you up for success, also know that the lower brain maintains habits by creating reasons to continue engaging in it. One of the common reasons is that “you will be more ready and equipped for recovery at another time.”
The lower brain calls for instant gratification, and to get it, it creates a vision of a future where you can quit effortlessly…whether that is tomorrow, next month, or next year. This can go on forever if you let it, because once the future becomes now, the lower brain will still call for instant gratification.
When you hear thoughts encouraging you to binge today and quit another time, know that you’ll have those same faulty thoughts at any time you try to quit. Resistance to change is normal and natural, but you can overcome it!
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Everything is not wrong
Do you find yourself thinking that everything is wrong when it comes to your food choices and eating behaviors?
I know there are habits that you want to change, I know it’s painful to live with binge eating; but I want you to drop the belief that everything is wrong in your relationship with food.
Start taking the time to notice when you do things right, and by “right,” I don’t mean perfect. When you acknowledge what is going well and stop downplaying your successes, you can build from there.
To help you keep this in mind, here is a quote I recently shared on my Instagram (@brain_over_binge):
“Rather than wandering around in problem-solving mode all day, thinking mainly of what you want to fix about yourself or your life, you can pause for a few moments throughout the day to marvel at what’s not broken.” -Kristin Neff
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Do you resist what helps you?
If you find yourself resisting doing the things that you know will help you toward change, it can be easy to think you really don’t want change after all. But this is not the case. It’s natural and normal for the brain to resist change…and to resist the things that lead you toward change.
In the Brain over Binge course, Lesson 7, I explain that “resisting doing things that will change habits does not mean you actually want those habits in your life. It just means your brain has an inclination toward those old patterns.”
You can learn to feel the automatic desire to resist change without letting it stop you from taking the steps you need to take to free yourself from binge eating.
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This advice is taken from weekly emails I send to encourage recovery. If you’d like to receive my emails (and monthly newsletter) going forward, all you need to do is enter your email address on this page.
When you sign up, you also get the free “Brain over Binge Inspiration Booklet” and the free course track, “Manage Your Mindset After a Binge”.
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More help:
If you want extra guidance as you learn to give up binge eating, here are some resources for additional support:
One-on-one Coaching – Book a 45-minute or 20-minute private and highly personalized session with Kathryn or Coach Julie. You will learn to change your thinking, uncover what is holding you back, and get on a path to complete freedom from food issues.
Group Coaching – Get help from coach Julie and support from others who are overcoming this habit. Includes a forum that is open 24/7, weekly group coaching calls with Julie, monthly Q&A calls with Kathryn, mindfulness resources, plus course access.
Brain over Binge Course – Self-paced online lessons (plus an app) for only $18.99/month. Includes over 125 tracks to listen to that give you the information and answers you need as you end binge eating.
Brain over Binge Books – Get Brain over Binge and the Brain over Binge Recovery Guide on Amazon and Audible.
Healing Your Relationship with Food, Yourself, and Others (Part III)
This is part three of a blog series that addresses healing your relationship with food, yourself, and others (I’m recording this as a podcast series as well!). If you haven’t read Part 1 and Part 2 yet, you will want to explore those prior to diving into this post because they provide foundational insights about how disordered eating can affect personal connections.
Binge eating and food restriction tend to isolate you from others, from your own needs, and from your ability to care for yourself. In the first two posts, I helped you explore the many ways that issues with relationships could be intertwined with your eating disorder. I also addressed how important it is to separate your ability to improve relationships from your ability to avoid binge eating. You want to set yourself up to be binge-free no matter how well or how poorly relationships are going, because bingeing is never the solution to relationship issues.
Creating space for connection after recovery or recovery progress
Stopping binge eating—or even just making some progress in recovery, so that food starts to take up less of your time, energy, and mental capacity—starts to create space for more connection in your life. It creates more room to focus on addressing and healing relationship issues, whether that’s with yourself or others, and that will be the focus of this post.
As I discussed in Part 1 of the series, if your relationship with food is still consuming you, it’s going to feel really hard to heal other relationships because you’re still in that survival mode. So it’s very important to get to a more stable place with food, and we have many resources to help you do that—including one-on-one coaching with me or Coach Julie, the Brain over Binge group, and my books or course.
With that in mind, this post is mostly directed toward people who are binge-free or on their way to becoming binge-free. But regardless of where you are in recovery, the ideas here could still be useful to you in a way that’s safe and feels doable right now.
Where do I even start in rebuilding relationships after binge eating?
I want to begin with a question that came up during my Q&A call with the Brain over Binge group a couple of months ago, because it serves as a helpful guidepost for everything else I’ll talk about here.
The question was basically this: “I’ve been bingeing and obsessed with food for so long that I don’t know where to start in learning how to have a friend or be a friend.”
You may be feeling this way too, and it’s also common to feel this way when it comes to your relationship with yourself—in that you aren’t sure how to be a friend to yourself. I’m going to use a lot of the advice I shared on that group call, and expand on it, to address this overarching question: How do you start learning the skills of being a friend to yourself and others? This also applies to being a partner, a family member, a coworker, or navigating any kind of relationship.
Begin with compassion and patience
Always start with compassion toward yourself and toward any friends or other relationships you may have lost or not nurtured along the way. The eating disorder took this away from you; it wasn’t your intention to neglect relationships or not to form them in the first place. Beating yourself up doesn’t help, so any amount of self-compassion you can offer is a great first step.
Next, develop a mindset of patience as you learn these new skills. If you’re more isolated right now, you likely won’t wake up tomorrow with a fulfilling social life and a great relationship with yourself. You may have been trapped in these eating issues from a very young age, and you therefore didn’t get a chance to develop these skills, so be kind and gentle with yourself. Think of it like picking up a musical instrument or a sport—you wouldn’t expect yourself to be perfect right away. You’d start with the basics and gradually build toward more advanced skills.
Notice the good in your life, within yourself, and in your relationships
Once you have self-compassion and patience, you can begin taking steps to heal your relationships and build a healthy connection with yourself. Depending on where you are now, here are some ideas about how to start this healing process. You can take what resonates with you and what you feel ready for, and use it as inspiration to think of your own ideas as well.
A good place to start is to begin noticing the good in your life and within yourself—whatever that may be. This suggestion doesn’t involve creating anything new—but just noticing what’s already there. Yes, binge eating may have taken a lot away from you, but there is still good in your life. As you go through your day, try to notice small joys and pleasures—whether that involves others or just yourself. Notice moments when you feel a positive emotion, when you think a positive thought about yourself or your abilities, when you sense a good smell, a food that tastes great, a comfortable outfit, a beautiful sight in nature, a peaceful place in your home, a piece of art or music, someone who smiles at you, a funny joke, a good conversation.
Urges to binge have a way of telling us that “nothing is good or exciting, so you might as well go back to bingeing,” so please be aware of that thought—and dismiss it. You wouldn’t tell someone else to binge eat as a solution to boredom or a lack of pleasure. You’d encourage them to seek out, cultivate, and savor what’s good, and to never return to something that’s always harmful and painful.
This leads me to the absolute best way you can be a friend to yourself now and through the rest of your life—and that is to give yourself the gift of not binge eating. Even if other things feel a little flat right now—which is common as your dopamine and pleasure pathways are regulating—making binge eating not an option keeps you moving toward real solutions to whatever you need to heal within yourself or with others.
Part of looking for the good in your life is recognizing the connections you do have. Most binge eaters or former binge eaters aren’t completely isolated; you may have family, friends, partners, coworkers, or acquaintances. Even if it’s just one person, notice their qualities that you enjoy and notice how you feel around them. Also notice the qualities you exhibit around others that make you feel good about yourself—for example when you make someone laugh, give to people you care about, share a mutual interest, or even express an opinion or set a boundary.
This practice is something Coach Julie and I discussed in Episode 105 of the podcast—“Taking in the Good.” It’s based on the work of Dr. Rick Hanson, and it’s a researched strategy for growing your capacity to experience happiness and override the brain’s negativity bias.
Exploring what you want to bring into your life after binge eating
The next step after noticing what is already in your life is exploring what you may want to bring into your life in terms of relationships or ways to improve yourself. What connections with others do you want to nurture? Are there people already in your life that you want to make an effort to communicate with more or spend more time with? Are there people you’ve lost touch with that you want to reconnect with?
What ways do you want to improve how you care for yourself? Do you need to release some of the pressure and perfectionism you put on yourself? Do you need to add a self-care ritual, even if it’s just a few minutes in your day? Do you want to spend more time in nature or add a meditation practice? Do you need some positive daily affirmations to remind yourself that you are worthy and you deserve self-care and care from others?
Are there completely new relationships you want to think about bringing into your life? If so, what are some small steps you can take toward that goal? Do you want friends with similar interests? You can usually find local groups that connect over shared hobbies, or maybe there are classes you could take. You can start really small here—brainstorm about places where people with the qualities you are looking for in a friend might be… is it church? the gym? museums? concerts? farmers markets? coffee shops?
Challenge yourself to go to places where you feel good, and chances are if you feel good in those places, others you may have a chance to connect with will likely be there too. Even if you don’t talk to anyone right away, you can still build that healthy relationship with yourself by putting yourself in places that inspire you and give you a sense of joy or purpose.
Know that this is not easy for anyone, with or without an eating disorder history—especially as you get older and there aren’t as many natural opportunities to make new friends like there were in school—so give yourself some grace if you don’t find new connections right away. You can start with very simple actions like a smile or wave and gain more confidence over time.
It’s all about exploring, experimenting, and adapting depending on what works and what doesn’t work for you—and of course always being patient and compassionate with yourself along the way.
Rebuilding, repairing, and setting boundaries
The next step—and these aren’t really steps but suggestions—is repairing, rebuilding, or setting boundaries in relationships affected by the eating disorder or intertwined with the eating disorder.
If there are relationships you neglected, know that repair doesn’t always have to mean sharing a lot right away. It could be as simple as a text that says, “hey, I’ve missed you,” or possibly making time to meet someone for coffee—without overexplaining yourself or only explaining what you feel comfortable sharing. Start with the people who feel very safe and easy for you to reconnect with and who serve as positive influences.
You don’t have to reconnect with everyone or right away—especially if certain people introduce some toxic elements to your life as far as focusing on appearance, weight, or dieting. I also realize that some relationships with toxic elements may not be ones you can fully avoid, and maybe you can’t avoid them much at all. For various reasons, you may not be able to get out of living situations or relationships right away, and this is why it’s so important to know that you can avoid binge eating no matter what.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to make big moves or change things significantly right away. You can give yourself some time to process and adapt to your binge-free life and work on learning what you truly want and need, because you may have been out of touch with that for quite a while during the time you were distracted with the eating disorder.
Not changing anything right away also has some benefits (unless of course there is something abusive going on—and in that case it’s your absolute priority to get yourself to safety, which I addressed in Part 2 of this series), because when you keep things pretty much the same but you don’t binge anymore, it really shows you that it was never your life or your relationships causing the binges.
This was something that was a powerful lesson for me when I recovered 20 years ago. After I stopped acting on my urges, I had this mindset of “wow, this is amazing—I can have all of these problems and still not binge. I can be depressed and anxious and still not binge. I can be lonely, sad, confused, have poor self-esteem, relationship conflicts, etc.—and still not binge!”
It was truly wonderful, and I believe that mindset of almost wanting to experience negative feelings—so I could prove to myself I didn’t need to binge—was highly protective in preventing me from ever returning to the habit, and allowing me to completely disassociate my binge eating from emotions, relationships, and other problems in my life.
Understanding what was lost to my eating disorder in terms of relationships
It’s not that I didn’t face any of my feelings or problems or try to find ways to deal with them during that time of recovery. It’s just that I really didn’t change very much in my life, and I didn’t hinge stopping binge eating on how well I dealt with issues in relationships or within myself. But looking back, even though that mindset was protective as far as not bingeing, I think it held me back a bit in terms of my own personal growth. I was so excited to be done with the eating disorder that I think it made me minimize or gloss over some of the ways that being in that dark place of bingeing and overexercising for so long had affected me—and it may have kept me from really looking at what the eating disorder took from me, and what skills I didn’t develop in my life because my eating disorder consumed me for many of my teenage and young adult years.
There was a reality that needed to be faced: that I had wasted a lot of time, and I had made some bad decisions based on how badly I felt about myself because of the eating disorder. I lost people who were important to me because my binge eating took me away from love and connection. I felt like my friends I had before the eating disorder went on without me in many ways—not intentionally, but because I was just no longer very available, and I no longer responded much and no longer tried to make plans or actively reached out.
I woke up from the nightmare of binge eating—of course very excited to be done with the binge eating—but also realizing that I had become isolated in some ways, and also possibly made the wrong connections in other ways.
A personal example of the long-term effects of eating-disorder-related isolation
Shortly before I was writing this Part 3 blog post, I got a call from one of my old childhood friends—the only friend from my high school that I keep in touch with in any capacity today. She said this in a much more tactful way than I’m going to say it, but she called to let me know that our old friend group from high school had planned a big girls’ trip, and it had been in the works for a long time, and all the plans were made, and the rooms were booked—but she remembered me last minute and wanted to reach out to apologize for not including me and to invite me.
I thought it was amazingly sweet that even one friend from high school remembered me—even at the tail end of this planning, but I also thought it was a good example of the residual effects of the eating disorder even today. It was so telling in terms of the mistakes I made along the way in not doing enough to reestablish connections.
I didn’t go on the trip because it would have been too challenging to leave my kids so last minute, but it made me reflect a bit on ways I need to be a better friend even today. It’s not only eating disorders that take us away from connections—I’ve had a hard time with finding time for connection since having kids and putting so much time into my work, and I’m sure there are things in your own life that distract from relationships.
The lessons you learn from reestablishing or sustaining connections through or after an eating disorder can be valuable through the rest of your life—to maintain relationships even through difficult times.
An invitation to begin healing relationships—when you’re ready
There is no pressure to get right back out there and start being social all of the time, but I do want to encourage you to put some conscious effort into connection after recovery—whenever you feel ready, and in a way that feels safe for you. I know how easy it is to let the days, weeks, months, and even years go by and let responsibilities take over and to let friendships slip away or never form.
This isn’t to push you or make you fear that if you don’t do this now, you’re going to wake up at 43 years old and be forgotten for a girls’ trip. You’re allowed to protect your energy and peace if that’s what feels right to you now—and maybe that’s what felt right for me then too. This is an individual journey, and you get to decide what your next steps are.
When eating disorder recovery brings relationship clarity
Another related shift that can happen after recovery is realizing that you’re no longer the same version of yourself who chose for certain people to be in your life—and I feel like this comes up most often in terms of romantic relationships.
When you’re in the thick of binge eating or food/weight obsession, you may not be in touch with who you really are and what you truly want and need in romantic relationships. You may have chosen a partner during a time when your self-worth was really low and your shame was really high, and that’s rarely a good time to make clear and aligned choices about who is truly right for you or how you deserve to be treated.
After recovery and adapting to being binge-free, you may look around and feel like something no longer fits. Maybe you feel like your partner doesn’t support your growth, or the relationship was built around you not being well or not being the best version of yourself, or maybe it now just feels like you’ve outgrown it based on the changes you’ve made.
There are so many ways this could play out, but know that you’re not alone. When people make major changes in their lives—like stopping a terrible habit or addiction—it’s like waking up to reality after a long time of being clouded. You may come to painful realizations, but it’s important to be honest with yourself about who you are now and how the people around you fit with that new version of yourself.
It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong in the past—you made the best decisions you could from the place you were in, and you don’t need to spend time in regret—but you are now seeing things more clearly or from a different perspective, and you can go forward from there.
If you find yourself in this situation, know that you don’t have to make any sudden decisions. You can start by getting curious, and asking yourself how you feel around this person now? Can you be your authentic self in this relationship as a recovered person, or do you see the possibility that you could be your authentic self in the future—if you both work on it? Does this relationship help or hinder the life you’re building after recovery, or do you see the possibility that this relationship could be a fit in your recovered life—again if you both work on it?
Growth after binge eating recovery isn’t always comfortable—but it’s worth it
You don’t need all of the answers right away, but it’s okay to admit to yourself that things have shifted. Give yourself permission to begin to explore what that means for your future. If the relationship can grow and adapt with you, then that’s a beautiful thing. But if it can’t, that doesn’t mean recovery broke something—it means recovery made you into a healthier version of you who can now learn to have the clarity and strength to choose what’s truly right for you now.
Try to see this as an opportunity and not as a crisis. When food is no longer the main struggle, you get the chance to explore all of this, and even if some of it is painful, I want you to see it (as much as possible) as a way that you are growing in a positive direction. Try not to see it as something that is daunting or that you have to do perfectly—because there are no perfect decisions when it comes to relationships.
You can learn to care for others, build and repair connections, while also protecting and caring for yourself. You’re not broken if this feels awkward or slow. You can take all of the time you need, and keep asking yourself what you want your life to look like and who you want beside you on this path.
Go to Part IV of this blog series
Support is available if you want to talk about this
If you want guidance as you explore any of these issues in your own life, Coach Julie and I are here to help you. As I’ve mentioned in the previous relationship posts, I am now a certified relationship coach as well, to better help people in this area. When you book your coaching session—if you do want to talk about relationship issues—just mention it in the brief intake questionnaire. You can book either a 20-minute laser session or a full 45-minute session with me or Coach Julie at brainoverbinge.com/one-on-one-coaching.
The Brain over Binge group is also a great place to get support in this area, because everyone there understands what you are dealing with and faces similar struggles in their own lives.