Welcome to the Brain Over Binge podcast where you learn a simple brain-based approach to ending
binge eating. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m Catherine Hansen. I’m the author of Brain Over Binge and the
Brain Over Binge Recovery Guide. And before I get into the topic of this episode, I want to tell you about
a free resource that will give you some daily motivation as you recover and keep you focused on some
of the main concepts that I teach in this podcast. The resource is my 31 day Brain over binge inspiration
booklet, which you can get through the link in the show description and there you’ll also find all of the
other brain over binge resources as well. Today’s topic in the spirit of releasing this on Valentine’s Day in
the US and other parts of the world will deal with relationships, our relationship with food, ourselves
and others.

If you’re listening, you know that having a difficult relationship with food affects nearly every other
relationship in your life, including your relationship with yourself because it tends to erode self-
confidence and usually brings high levels of shame. Eating disorders are extremely isolating, causing you
to turn away from other people, even people you love the most and who love you the most. Because of
the shame associated with your behaviors, you may find yourself lying to those you love about your
eating or hiding food or hiding the evidence of food and also hiding your purging or exercise behaviors
from people in your life. Your drive to binge and your obsessive food thoughts can drive you away from
connection and can distract you from being present with the most important people in your life. The
isolation of the eating disorder can make you not want to reach out to friends.

It can cause you to shy away from social events or dating or any sort of intimate or romantic
relationship. The connection between eating disorders and relationships is multifaceted, and as I was
reflecting on this topic and coming up with points to address, I realize there’s so much more than I can
tackle in one episode. So this episode is going to be a part one and there will definitely be a part two and
maybe even a part three or four down the road if the ideas keep flowing. As you listen to these episodes
addressing relationships, know that each person and each relationship is different, so please take what
is useful to you and what resonates with you and leave the rest. I’m going to address some issues you
may be facing in your life now or that may come up in the future as you heal your relationship with
food.

I’m going to share some of my own experience in the area of relationships along the way with the hope
that it helps you see that you’re not alone. An important initial point I want to make as I embark on
discussing healing your relationship with food yourself and others is that it pretty much needs to go in
that order or at least healing your relationship with food has to be the priority in eating disorder
recovery. Of course, you can work on your issues with food while you also work on yourself and your
relationship with others if you want, but it’s so hard to resolve issues in those other relationships and
with yourself when you’re in the midst of what can feel like an all consuming survival battle with food.
To illustrate this, I’m going to briefly talk about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, and I’ll explain how all of
this comes into play with what I’m talking about.

So Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a very well-known psychological concept that explains our human
motivations. Maslow talked about there being five tiers or levels of human needs, and these levels are
usually depicted as one on top of the other within a pyramid at the base. And the biggest part of the
pyramid are our basic physiological needs like breathing, food, water, shelter, warmth, and sleep. This is
the foundation that must be relatively stable in order for us to pursue our other motivations or our
higher needs. The next level is safety needs, which is the need for security, stability, and protection from
danger or harm. The third level is social needs, which includes the need for love, affection, belonging,
and social interaction. The fourth level is esteem needs. These include the need for self-esteem,
achievement, recognition and respect from others. The last level is self-actualization, which is the need
for personal growth, fulfillment and the realization of one’s full potential.

Now, these levels beyond the basic physical needs aren’t completely fixed and they can operate
simultaneously at times, but the basic premise is that we can’t focus on more meaningful things in life
like improving our relationship with ourself and others until our basic physiological and safety needs are
met. And an eating disorder strongly interferes with physiological and safety needs. When you’re
restricting food, your body and brain are operating from a primal survival state and you don’t have the
mental, emotional, or physical bandwidth to pursue more meaningful things in your life. And when
you’re hooked on the terrible habit of binge eating, your brain becomes conditioned to operate as if
binge eating is a basic survival need so that when the binge urges are operating, it’s hard to focus on
anything else because you feel like one of your basic needs isn’t being met. And of course, we know that
binge eating is not a real need, like a need for a normal amount of food, but the point is that in the
moment that you’re feeling that drive to binge, it can feel like a real need.

I think this is a big part of why it can feel so tempting to just binge to make the urges and all of those
cravings go away. There’s this illusion that if you can just get the urge to stop, you can get back to the
rest of your life and focus on what’s important to you. I know this was one of my common motivations
for binging, and I know you probably can relate to this as well, but when you think about it, that’s
actually the opposite of what happens when you act on the urge. When you just go ahead and binge to
try to get rid of the urge, you create a whole new set of problems for yourself which are worse than the
urge itself. Acting on an urge to binge is not like acting on an urge to drink water when you’re really
thirsty, when you have that need for water and you’re therefore unable to focus on anything else in
your life, then drinking that big glass of water will make you feel so much better afterward and like you
can function normally again and focus on what’s important to you, but with binge eating or another bad
habit or addiction, instead of feeling better after following the urge, you feel absolutely terrible and
you’re usually much less able to focus on the rest of your life.

Eating disorders also interfere with that second level of needs in Maslow’s hierarchy, restricting food,
binging on food and having other obsessive or compulsive behaviors around food affect our basic needs
for safety and security. When you have an eating disorder, there can be a great deal of fear around food.
There can be a fear of the binge eating itself. There can be dangerous health issues, plus there can just
be a lot of unpredictability in your day-to-day life based on whether or not you binge and there can be a
lack of self-trust that also creates a lack of stability and safety within yourself. All of this is to say that
when your relationship with food is off, it creates a situation where your fundamental physiological and
safety needs are not being met and it becomes so incredibly challenging to focus on your relationship
with yourself and others.

This is another reason why I strongly believe that the advice to try to fix the rest of your life and heal
your self-esteem and your relationships and find fulfillment as a remedy to stop binge eating has it
backwards in most cases. How can you possibly focus on those higher needs for fulfillment and
connection and love and belonging and meaning when your basic needs aren’t being met because of the
eating disorder? I wrote a lot about this in brain over binge as far as my experience in eating disorder
therapy, trying to address deeper issues within myself and with my emotions and my relationships and
my self-esteem and all of that not only did not help me stop binge eating, but I felt like much of the time
I had a fundamental inability to actually focus on those things and work on them in the way that my
therapist wanted.

And looking back, this only made sense because the issues with eating were consuming my mind and
body’s resources and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs provides another framework to explain why that was
the case. Now, with all of that being said, people with eating disorders don’t just completely shut off
from the rest of the world and from relationships with others and with themselves. People with eating
disorders do manage to have friends, romantic partners, successful careers, creative pursuits and

fulfillment in other areas. But if you have or you’ve had an eating disorder, you know how challenging
this can be and you know that sometimes you feel like you’re leading a double life. It can be like going in
and out of feeling like you’re in basic survival mode consumed by your desire to restrict binge purge
over exercise or obsess about food, and then in other moments, feeling relatively normal and being able
to pursue those higher needs and goals. When I had binge free days, I would feel like I was going up that
pyramid of needs. I was able to spend quality time with the people I cared about. I was able to pursue
romantic relationships and I could engage in some personal growth only to be thrown back down to that
lower level again when the urge is to binge arose

And to kind of bring this into real life, I want to share an example of this from college. It involves dating,
and this is something I briefly wrote about in Brain Over binge. There was a guy I was dating in my last
year of college who I ended up confiding in about my eating disorder because my therapist at the time
was encouraging me to do that, to get support from people in my life. And as a bit of an aside looking
back, I realized that although he was great in many ways, he probably wasn’t the right person to confide
in because I don’t think he necessarily wanted a true deep emotional connection with me. I think he was
just trying to have fun and to be honest, probably wanted things to progress to a sexual relationship as
well. Now, as more of an aside, this was definitely the opposite of my motivation for dating at this time.
In fact, sex and physical intimacy was something I very much tried to avoid during my eating disorder,
primarily because of the deep, deep shame and disgust I felt toward my body from all the binging. Well,
there was that sprinkled in with some guilt from my Catholic upbringing, but maybe that’s a story for
another day. And I also want to talk more about the relationship between sex and eating disorders in a
later episode because I’m getting a little off track here. But the point of this story is that by dating this
guy in college, I was trying to meet some of those higher needs for connection, belonging, and even
love. But all too often I got sucked right back into the world of binging. So this guy, I’m talking about who
I gave the name David in the book, which was actually not his real name.

We had a good time together for the maybe four or five months that we dated. We did some fun
outdoor things that I love, like hiking, canoeing and water skiing. We also went to restaurants. We went
to a few concerts. We went to the movies. We hung out at each other’s apartments and it was good in
those moments, but there was another side to it. If I was binging or feeling sick from binging or
exercising all day to try to purge, I would make up excuses not to see him. And this happened a lot. I do
remember one time that I reluctantly agreed to see him anyway after a binge just to go shopping. And I
can remember wearing really baggy clothes to hide my bloating. And I remember not wanting to look at
him in the eyes because my face was so swollen from all the food and water retention, and this was
something that definitely happened after most of my binges.

I can still remember walking around this store in my baggy clothes, looking down, trying to make
awkward conversation through my shame, and I felt so relieved when I got back in my car and drove
away shortly before we broke up. He took me to his family home for the night, which was a bit of a drive
away from our college that night, an urge to binge overtook me and I snuck out of the room where I was
staying and I ate a large amount of cookies from this big tub of them that was in his kitchen. I did
manage some semblance of self-control and I ate an amount that I didn’t think anyone would notice, or
at least that’s what I told myself. But the next day, we were in the living room and his mom was in the
kitchen, which was adjacent to the living room, and she definitely noticed my mind’s a little fuzzy as far
as exactly what she said, but I remember her opening it and expressing some frustration and confusion
about who ate them.

I just sat there feeling frozen and so ashamed, and I didn’t say anything to David or his mom. I was just
embarrassed and bloated and so uncomfortable on the drive back to college later that evening, and I
broke up with him not long after that. It probably would not have worked out anyway because of some
differences, but I definitely blame the eating disorder for the breakup. I did not say that directly to him,
but in my mind I told myself that I just could not be with someone if I was going to have to hide my
shame from them or not be able to be intimate or cancel fun activities or not be able to look them in the
eyes because of face swelling or eat all of their family’s cookies in the middle of the night. I do laugh a
little now about the cookie story so many years later because I think what a great first and last
impression I must have made on his family.

But it definitely wasn’t funny at the time, and I know many of you listening can relate to doing things
you’re not proud of when you’re under the influence of an urge to binge. Like I mentioned, I had told
David about my eating disorder probably about a month before we broke up, and he was not very
sensitive about it, just due to a lack of understanding and him being a college guy just wanting to have
fun. When I tried explaining the binge eating to him and told him that’s why I had canceled some dates
and plans, he asked me sarcastically, so you’d rather eat chocolate cake than be with me? And I
remember feeling so foolish in that moment, and I shared this in brain over binge, but even though his
comment was very insensitive, there was some truth in it. Yes, when the urges to binge hit, I definitely
would’ve chosen to eat cake or a tub of cookies over being with him.

Those were the times I was not able to focus on any of my higher needs or have the capacity to be
present with another person. It was this constant swinging back and forth between normal life and the
nightmare of the binge eating habit. And it was so frustrating to have my relationship with food
interfere with any relationship I tried to develop, including a relationship with myself. There wasn’t
something fundamentally wrong with me in the area of relationships, even though like the rest of the
population, I had so much to learn then. And even still, I have so much to learn and work on in the area
of relationships so many years later, I definitely thought something was wrong with me, but now that I
look back, I can see that I was just temporarily distracted and consumed by the food, and I know that so
many of you can relate.

This is where I’m going to stop the discussion for today, and I really hope it’s helped you understand
more about how the eating disorder can interfere with your ability to connect with others and pursue
higher needs. And I also hoped it has helped you feel less alone and less like you’re broken in the area of
relationships. This whole topic comes up so much in coaching that in order to help people more
effectively, I recently got certified as a relationship coach, and this is in addition to my certification in
health coaching from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. So if you are having issues in relationships as
you recover, it’s definitely something I understand and something I can help guide you through in one-
on-one coaching. And I also feel like I just have a lot of personal experience in this area ranging from the
issues related to the eating disorder and then later through a challenging marriage and parenting and
divorce and co-parenting and dating and difficult relationships and breakups and healthy relationships
as well.

So it’s really something I’m passionate about. And just like I always remind you that I do not eat
perfectly, I also do not do relationships perfectly by any stretch of the imagination, but I have overcome
some challenges in this area and I have a capacity to listen without judgment and to help you work
through your own unique issues. And this goes for Brain Revenge Coach Julie as well, who is certified in
life coaching and can help you with so many other issues that may come up in your life or in your
relationships. As you’re ending binge eating, you can find links to learn about one-on-one coaching and
group coaching in the show description. Coach Julie and I also have a new option for one-on-one
coaching called Laser Coaching. It’s the same grade support and guidance in a one-on-one session, but
the laser sessions are 20 minutes as opposed to the full 45 minute sessions.

And the laser sessions are also just audio. The laser sessions are so new that they’re not on the Brain
over binge website yet. But if you want to book one of these sessions for some quick help or to talk through a specific challenge that you’re facing, the link to schedule with me or Coach Julie is in the show
description. Thank you so much for joining me today. I look forward to continuing this conversation in an
episode in the near future. Wherever you are in recovery and wherever you are in your relationship with
yourself and others, I want to encourage you and remind you that you have the power to change your
brain and live a binge free life.

The Brain Over Binge Podcast is produced and recorded by Brain over binge recovery coaching LLC. All
Work is copyrighted by brain over binge recovery coaching LLC, and all rights are reserved. As a
disclaimer, the host of the Brain Over Binge podcast are not professional counselors or licensed
healthcare providers. And this podcast is not a substitute for medical advice or any form of professional
therapy. Eating disorders can have serious health consequences, and you’re strongly advised to seek
medical attention for matters relating to your health. Please get help when you need it, and good luck
on your journey.